Signs, signs, everywhere are signs

Published 4:06 pm Tuesday, December 5, 2023

We see them here, we see them there, we see them everywhere.

Signs give us directions, information, and instructions in our everyday life. Sometimes we choose to follow those signs, while at other times we ignore them.

What follows is a collection of signs and sayings I’ve noted either in person or on a website.

I’m finally old enough to do exactly what I want. The trouble is I’m too tired to do it.

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman t-shirt.

In case of fire, exit the building first before tweeting about it.

Beware of the dog, but the cat isn’t trustworthy either.

Seen on a street pedestrian crossing sign that shows two human figures walking with their heads down looking at their cellphones: Beware of Smartphone Zombies

Seen on the outdoor marque at a church: Whoever stole our AC units, keep one because it is hot where you’re going.

Seen on a curbside sign outside a café:

Small Coffee $5

Small Coffee, please $3

Good morning, may I have a small coffee, please $1.75

Speaking of asking something politely: Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. Wild animals come out at night to smoke them and we’re trying to get them to quit!

Here’s a sign bearing a simple request upon entering a place of business: Be nice or leave!

Here’s a unique sign at another restaurant: We don’t have Wifi. Talk to each other. Pretend it’s 1993.

This sign reveals the presence of the police: Slow Down. The cop hides behind this sign.

This sign makes you think:

What I If Told You

You Read The Top Line Wrong

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around!

Here’s a unique warning sign at Table Mountain National Park located in Cape Town, South Africa: WARNING Please look under your vehicles for penguins.

Perhaps you should consider not messing around with Bob after reading this simple sign: Beware of Bob

Here’s a commonsense sign: Do Not Breathe Under the Water

Sometimes signs can be very confusing. Case in point is one that reads Now Open (at the top of the display) and Closed (at the bottom).

Here’s another confusing sign: Sorry, We’re Open

Here’s my winner for the best marketing sign. It’s a large bowl full of fresh eggs entitled: Boneless Chicken

Here’s the runner-up for the best marketing sign, as noted at a bin full of freshly picked tomatoes at a farmers market: I Love You From My Head To-Ma-Toes

Sometimes you have to put into words what is obvious. An example is a warning sign placed in the grass at the end of a sidewalk: Sidewalk Ends

This sign maker has a sense of humor: I Hope When I Inevitably Choke To Death On Gummy Bears, People Will Just Say I Was Killed By Bears And Leave It At That.

This no soliciting sign placed outside a residence lets everyone know why they are not interested in what a person is peddling: No Soliciting, We are too broke to buy anything; We know who we are voting for; We have found Jesus. Seriously, unless you are selling thin mints, please go away!

Another sign outside a residence issues a stern warning: If You Don’t Pick Up After Your Dog, We’ll Send Our Grandson To Poop On Your Lawn.

And then there are yard signs that leave you extremely puzzled. No Signs Allowed On Yard

Here’s a hilarious “history” sign: On this spot – 1st April 1780 – nothing happened.

Or this funny sign seen in a flower bed at a residence: Your feet are killing me!

Or this one attached to a fence surrounding a farm with livestock: Please Be Safe. Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you.

Or this one…a sign attached to a power pole: Please Like And Share This Post

Here’s a sign that old folks like me could adhere to: I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have ideas.

We experienced all sorts of signs during the COVID pandemic. Here’s one, at the entrance of a business, that’s a bit different: If you choose not to wear a mask, then you must remove all your clothes. It’s all or nothing!

We all need warning signs…even insects. Here’s a sign positioned in front a display of Venus Flytraps for sale: STOP!! If you are not a fly, please DO NOT trigger the fly traps as this will cause them to digest themselves and eventually die. If you are a fly, please ignore this message, but proceed with caution.

Church signs make you laugh and think. Here are some of my favorites spotted online:

I Created Church Norris – God

Don’t Make Me Come Down There – God

Tweet Others As You Would Like To Be Tweeted

Sin Burn Is Prevented by Son Screen

Wanted: Singers, InChoir Within

Need a Lifeguard? Ours Walks on Water

Maury Is Not The Only Place To Find Your Father

Why Pay For GPS? Jesus Gives Direction For Free

Church Shopping? We’re Open Sundays

Seven Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak

What Part of “Thou Shall Not” Don’t You Understand?

Looking for “Mr. Right?” This Is His House

At The Heart of Every Sin Is The Letter “1”

CH CH What’s Missing? U R

I Wish Noah Had Swatted Those Two Mosquitoes

And I’ll leave you with this one to ponder: The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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