Never lick butter off a steak knife

Published 6:30 pm Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

Do you know the rules?

Do you understand the rules?

Do you have any idea that there are rules?

If you answered no to the above questions, then please take the time to read the remainder of this column, for these are the important rules (listed in order of importance) of the universe.

  1. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
  3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious….please remember that no one gets out of life alive.
  6. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
  7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.
  13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. Ditto for washing/drying clothes and operating a vacuum cleaner.
  14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
  17. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  20. By the time you can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
  21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  23. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat!
  24. There is a very fine line between having a hobby and being a pack rat.
  25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  27. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  28. Never lick the butter off a steak knife.
  29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time.
  31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  33. A boy is a noise with dirt on it.
  34. A skier is a person who pays an arm and a leg to break either one (or both) of them.
  35. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, our presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if we need anything from the store, it is just something we’re supposed to do. And once you’ve completed the task of placing your groceries in your vehicle, please leave the shopping cart where it is in order to block the path of the next motorist.
  36. Your friends love you anyway.
  37. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark, while a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
  38. Don’t attempt to order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know how to do, like burnt toast and runny eggs.
  39. Don’t order wheat toast at a Cracker Barrel south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended, with gravy. And don’t put sugar on your grits.
  40. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
  41. As you age you will learn to live without sex, but not without glasses.
  42. You’ll also learn that you still have a photographic memory, but it no longer offers same day service.
  43. Please always remember that us Southerners cook barbecue. Down here, barbecue is a noun, not a verb. We don’t “barbecue” our food – we eat barbecue.
  44. And, finally, as people age it’s hard to find games to play. I think someone ought to invent some type of entertainment for us senior citizens. How ‘bout Sag, You’re It; 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear; Kick the Bucket; Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over; Simon Says Something Incoherent; Spin the Bottle of Mylanta; Musical Recliners; or Hide and Go Pee.

Have a great rest of your life now that you know the rules of the universe.

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

email author More by Cal