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I feel obligated from time to time to bring my local readers (all three of you…well, four, if I count my loving wife) the latest news from those who are without both oars in the water…five bricks short of a wheelbarrow load….or their elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

Yes…it’s time for another installment of Dumb Crook News!

According to the Dallas News, in January an inmate who was locked up in a federal facility in Beaumont snuck out to get booze, tobacco, snacks, and food to bring back inside.

Sheriff’s deputies in Jefferson County finally realized what was happening and laid in wait to watch it all go down. Around 5:45 pm, a duffel bag was dropped off on the adjacent property, and around 7:30 pm, 27-year-old Joshua Randall Hansen was observed leaving the prison to retrieve the bag. On Hansen’s way back into the facility after picking it up, he was arrested.

Once confiscated, the authorities said the duffel bag was full of alcohol (whiskey and brandy, specifically), packages of tobacco, snacks, fruits, and plenty of home cooked food.

Hansen was already in the process of serving a little over two years for conspiring to distribute designer drugs, but now will likely do additional time as he faces escape and marijuana possession charges.

Meanwhile, up in Fayette County, West Virginia, a 38-year-old homeowner was busted for drugs after she snitched on herself with a sign on her own front door.

That sign read: “Due to snitches, everyone entering my home is subject to being searched. All cell phones and drinks will be left outside! If you’re not a snitch, it won’t offend you if I search you!”

Fayette County Sheriff’s deputies noticed the sign while investigation a minor offense.

The deputies reportedly got consent to search the residence where they found “quantities of both heroin and methamphetamine, as well as various other unknown substances that were believed to be narcotics.”

The homeowner and sign marker was arrested on drug possession charges.

According to the East Idaho News, two men who were transporting 20 pounds of marijuana from Las Vegas to Bozeman, Montana apparently decided it would be cool to smoke a joint or two during their trip. That proved to be a bad idea.

Apparently, the duo got so high that they called 911 to report that the police were following them. They politely asked the emergency dispatcher to make those “jack wagon” cops stop it.

As fate would have it, the local police were not following their car, but they did after being notified by the dispatcher.

One man pleaded guilty to possession with intent to deliver and was sentenced to 30 days in jail and five years of probation. The other was reportedly sentenced to one and a half to eight years in prison. Reports state that the judge increased his sentence because he tested positive for marijuana, cocaine and oxycodone on the day of his sentencing.

Here’s another story of someone making an unwise decision on their day in court. It’s not a good plan to possess illegal drugs when appearing before a judge on an illegal drug charge.

According to published reports, Waqas Khan was in court in Luton, England on charges of “conspiracy to supply cocaine and heroin as part of a large-scale drugs operation.” Although he was eventually acquitted, he brought a personal bag containing a “large quantity” of cocaine with him to the trial. When police discovered his stash, he pled guilty to “possession with intent to supply” and was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

Back stateside, a Georgia man tried to pawn an old video game console with crystal meth stuffed inside the game cartridge slot.

He took the console, an old Sega Genesis, to a pawn shop, according to WALB News. He handed it over to employees, who appraised the console. While checking to make sure nothing was amiss, one employee discovered the meth inside cartridge slot and called Colquitt County police. The man was arrested and charged with possession of crystal meth.

Up in New Jersey, a man accidentally “butt dialed” 911 while choreographing a string of burglaries.

New York Magazine reports that 911 dispatchers in New Jersey got the call and listened, bemusedly, to the call that was clearly a butt dial. It didn’t take long for the conversation to get juicy, as two male voices discussed plans to break into homes, empty drawers and steal watches.

Later that day authorities received a call from homeowners who claimed their dressers had been raided and $1,355 worth of jewelry had gone missing. Thanks to the butt dial earlier in the day, police were able to pin-point New Jersey resident Scott Robert Esser as the burglar. Esser was pulled over, and police discovered the jewelry in his car, as well as a handgun and burglary tools.

Down in Texas, a San Antonio man was arrested for a string of thefts, including a bizarre incident where he stuffed a pair of Nike KDs [shoes] down his pants.

Paul Perez III is facing an enhanced charge of theft after already racking up nine priors involving stolen items, KSAT12 reports.

His tenth arrest stems from a December 31 incident at an Academy Sports + Outdoors retail store. According to an arrest affidavit, a worker saw Perez put a pair of Nike KD sneakers in his pants before walking out of the store. The worker told police he kept a close eye on Perez because he recognized him from previous thefts at the same store.

When Perez was confronted by the worker, the serial thief began cursing and even threw a security sensor at him.

And, last, is another not too bright shoplifter of tennis shoes.

A teen in Ireland pleaded guilty to stealing a pair of sneakers from the window display at a sporting goods store. Even if he would not have gotten caught, the thief would have later learned that the sneakers he swiped were both right-footed shoes in odd sizes.

You just can’t make this stuff up!

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.