Making your holiday merry and bright!

Published 5:57 pm Tuesday, December 22, 2020

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So, what is the ideal Christmas gift?

Are you into all the latest gadgets….such as voice-activated “assistants” that cut on your lights, set the thermostat, play your favorite song, or change the baby’s diapers (yea, I know, Alexa doesn’t do the last one, but we need to give the Millennials time to develop that sort of technology.)

What about jewelry….or clothes….or a new vehicle?

Sure, all of the above would put a smile on someone’s face on Christmas morning.

For me, I’m more of a simple person to please. Socks, underwear, and Old Spice After Shave typically sit atop my wish list. Sounds pretty boring, right? Well, to each their own.

Today, I’m in a giving rather than a receiving mood. With that in mind, I’m sharing with you, my loyal readers (all 5 of you) a few gifts of wisdom that are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. These gifts came to me courtesy of my good friend Pat Bolton, formally of Rich Square and now living the big life down in New Hanover County.

Having plans sounds like a good idea….that is until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

I can’t speak for you, but I find it extremely weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older; upon arrival it isn’t as I expected.

The devil once whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza and beer.” He failed to reply.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?”

Husband: “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.”

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember, never, ever sing in the shower!!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started. (By the way, she won with a wicked left uppercut followed by a powerful right cross.)

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of a plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends? If so, do I have to put on clothes before leaving the house?

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session.

I see people about my age mountain climbing, bike riding, and zip-lining. And here I am….feeling good by getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

The facts of life….if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word, then say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster [noun]: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around during a family reunion and thought, “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up. That’s especially true for folks like me who sit on the floor to wrap Christmas presents.

And, finally, we all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Merry Christmas to one and all! Hope these tiny bits of wisdom make your holiday merry and bright!!

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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