Much rather be warm than ‘cold’

Published 2:07 pm Thursday, September 27, 2018

As I sit here trying to write this week’s column, I’m fighting a losing battle. It’s a battle against germs actually.

You see, I’ve caught a cold. Those obnoxious little illnesses aren’t usually life threatening, but they sure are super annoying. I wish it was socially acceptable to wear surgical masks in public like they do in a lot of Asian countries, because I’d love to be able to cover up my red nose. I’m starting to resemble Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and it’s way too early to be thinking about Christmas stuff.

Every time I come down with a cold, I get to contemplate the most important question of the universe: where’s the worst place to sneeze? On the toilet or while driving? I’ve never been able to come up with an answer because both places are equally bad.

A cold goes through different stages before it goes away, which I’m sure we can all find at least a little relatable, right? Haven’t we all suffered through a cold at one point or another?

The “oh nooooo” stage: Much like the stages of grief, the first stage of a cold is denial. Those sniffles? Probably just allergies, right? That scratchy feeling in your throat? Maybe it’s just something you ate earlier. Maybe you sang too loudly with the radio in your car earlier. Maybe it’s just all in your imagination, right? Right??

The “walking dead” stage: Having a cold is like being a zombie. You walk around really slowly in a daze and you say “ughhhh” a lot. You never get to sleep and you can’t taste anything either. At this stage, I would gladly welcome the cast of “The Walking Dead” TV show to come to my house and put me out of my misery. I hear they’re good at killing zombies.

The “good lord, who knew the human body could produce this much snot!” stage: This one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s gross. My face is gross. Everything is gross. The amount of snot our bodies contain is roughly equivalent to the amount of water in the Hoover Dam. (An alternative name I like to call this part of the cold is the “I’m singlehandedly keeping Kleenex Tissue in business. You’re welcome, economy” stage.)

Lastly, there’s the “ahh, I can finally breathe out of my nose again” stage: There are probably a few residual cold symptoms hanging around, like a cough, and you probably still look like the lead reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh. But at least you can breathe again. You’re on the road to recovery!

This is the time of year when colds start hitting us all more frequently. It’s always good to remember to wash your hands thoroughly and get enough vitamin C (I like drinking pineapple juice the best) and get a good night’s rest. But, of course, sometimes we catch a cold even when we’re diligently doing our best to avoid one.

So good luck to you all out there. When we were kids, we were always taught to share. But I’ll forgive you all for being selfish and keeping your cold germs to yourself, thank you very much! And I’ll try not to spread my germs to you. One cold a year is enough!


Holly Taylor is a Staff Writer for Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact her at or by phone at 252-332-7206.