Keeping – and breaking – resolutions

Published 12:02 pm Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Yep, it’s that time of the year once again.

It seems like only yesterday when I pondered the start of 2017 and all I wanted to accomplish in the 64th year of my life.

Now, nearly 365 days later, I can honestly admit that my quest to become a more gentle, loving, caring person didn’t quite come to fruition.

My motivation to shed a few pounds fell my the wayside in late January…..just about the same time I lost all motivation in what was a cold, dreary month.

I thought about taking my retirement nest egg and opening a gym in Ahoskie. What I failed to realize was I had just enough money to purchase one barbell, a five-pound one.

My resolution to cut down on eating junk food lasted all of a couple of days. On my first trip to the grocery store in 2017, I headed straight to the potato chip aisle.

Ditto for cutting back on the time I spend on Facebook. That lasted until Jan. 3 when I had to take the “You Know You’re From the South” quiz. I scored a 100 of course.

What I finally realized was that New Year’s resolutions are nothing more than a “To Do” list for the first week of January.

However, I was extremely successful in fulfilling a multitude of my resolutions for 2017.

I stood firm in not listening to any disco and rap music; and turned my radio dial as soon as a Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus song came on.

I vowed to become deeper in debt in 2017….dang, I’m a genius because that feat was accomplished!

Not one time did I root for an athletic team representing the University of Carolina at Chapel Hill. Ditto for the New York Yankees, the New England Patriots and Jimmie Johnson.

Never during 2017 did I consume sushi…..nor do I plan to in 2018, 19 and any other year in the future.

I also kept my Jan. 1, 2017 promise not to believe a single word that emerged from the lips of a politician. You can tell when they’re lying because their lips are moving.

Here are some things I believe I’ll undertake during 2018.

I’m going to make a pan of vanilla pudding, stuff it in an empty (and clean) jar of mayonnaise and walk around eating it in public.

Every time I get in a crowded elevator, I’m going to say, “I guess you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today.”

The next unsolicited sales pitch call I receive from some scammer outfit, I promise to answer by saying, “Hello, FBI Fraud Division, how may I help you?” Wonder how fast I’ll hear a “click” on the other end?

Just for fun, I plan to hire two private investigators and have them to follow each other.

I’m going to purchase a parrot and teach him to say, “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot.”

Wonder if I can squeeze a fourth, perhaps even a fifth, meal into my daily food cycle?

I will make an attempt to lobby the food industry to devise other snacks besides cheese that are available in whiz form.

I’m going to try my best to work on my low self-esteem in 2018, but I really don’t think I’ll be able to pull that off.

Perhaps I’ll work hard to invent the invention of all inventions….a calorie-free donut!

I vow to continue to try and strike it rich in the lottery, despite never coming remotely close to any of the winning numbers of the past.

And, in a resolution I’ve kept since the 1970’s, I vow that in 2018 it will be my quest to listen to as much Marshall Tucker Band as I possibly can.

Happy New Year, everyone. May all your resolutions and dreams come true.

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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