In case you don’t care for SB LI
Published 11:33 am Monday, February 6, 2017
So you’re going to be in that less than one-one hundred thousandth percent that won’t be watching Super Bowl El-eye tomorrow, or the Tournament of Roses parade build-up that’ll happen about, oh, nineteen (I just picked that random number!) hours before kick-off?
Well, before your guacamole turns a greener shade of green, your pretzels get mushy, the keg gets warm, and your chili tastes like Manwich soaked in kerosene, there are some other options. At least read through them, because, trust me; it might just save your marriage – especially if you’re in a one-TV household. But then again, is there really any such a thing left in the world anymore!?!
Over on TNT, at about the same time as kick-off: the geniuses at Turner Network won’t have NBA basketball complete with Sir Charles Barkley growling about. At 6 p.m. that channel will be showing the 2009 comedy “Madea Goes to Jail” with Tyler Perry in his best drag doing the lead role. Unless you’re a Madea-hater, this movie is one heck of a laugh riot, and probably ten times funnier than half the lame Super Bowl commercials you’ll be throwing your hands up over, if you’re not snickering at how un-funny they are.
In the movie, the title character goes through anger management after cussing out a traffic cop who gives her a speeding ticket and a warning that next time it’ll mean time in the pokey. Madea then goes home and shoots up her own house with a machine gun because her brother decided to throw her a surprise birthday party. But that doesn’t earn her the orange jumpsuit: from there, she consults with Dr. Phil, destroys a car with a fork-lift, and after holding a SWAT team at siege trying to bring her in, she ends up back in court where no less than Judge Mathis sentences her to five-to-ten. From there it kind of goes downhill and becomes sort of a morality tale about Madea trying to change the life of a kind-hearted prostitute. There’s also a kind-hearted assistant district attorney with a less than kind-hearted fiancée and finally, a way-too-kind-hearted tough-love minister dedicated to helping those incarcerated get right with God. In the end, Madea gets out of jail (naturally!) unbowed, unrepentant and every bit her usual obnoxious self.
If you can last through this one, it ought to be about half-time of the big game, or maybe time for your third or fourth bathroom break.
Of course, if you do happen to have that second, third, fourth, or more, TV in the house you can catch the best pre-game in America: Puppy Bowl XIII. For those of you who’ve never seen it, this isn’t the kind of stuff of manor a manor for canines that got former Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick sent up-river; but it will be featuring dogs tearing stuff up, a la, the real thing humans will be doing later over on FOX.
Finally, if you prefer the kinder, gentler stuff, the Hallmark Channel has Kitten Bowl IV. It’s the same thing as Puppy Bowl, except with cuddly little felines. Why anyone would prefer cat-fights to dog-fights is beyond me, but I’m not here to judge.
After any one of those last two choices I think I’ll need that extra-strength indigestion medicine to get over my heartburn. Maybe suffering through the wife’s chili and watching football ain’t so bad after all.
Gene Motley is a Staff Writer at Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at email@example.com or 252-332-7211.