Police officers say the darndest things

Published 11:53 am Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Last week I received an email from my good buddy, Bobby “Keys Eure.

As a former law enforcement officer, Bobby could perhaps share some funny stories about his career. However, his email was entitled: Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”

(National Crime Information Center.

“Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

“I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

However, South Carolina Troopers have not cornered the market on funny one-liners.

The best line by a motorist after being stopped for speeding by a highway patrolman:

Officer: “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

Motorist: Well, I got here as fast as I could.”

Another great “comeback” from a motorist came after he was stopped by a Texas lawman following a brief chase.

Officer: “Sir, why didn’t you pull over when I activated my blue light and siren a few miles back?”

Motorist: “My wife left me several years ago and ran off with a Texas Highway Patrolman. I was afraid it might be you and you were bringing her back.”

And then there’s this one from a motorist after being stopped by a police officer:

Police: “Pardon me, but did you notice how bad you were weaving a couple of blocks back?

Driver: “Weaving? Heck, I can’t even knit straight.”

Another law enforcement officer, while conducting an investigation, asked a person where they were between four and six.

“In Kindergarten,” was the reply.

A drunk driver was stopped by police at 2 a.m. one morning.

“Hey, buddy, where ‘ya going at this time of the morning,” asked the officer.

“I’m on my way to a lecture on the ill effects of drinking,” answered the driver.

“Who on earth conducts that type of lecture at 2 am,” quizzed the officer.

“My wife,” noted the driver.

And this story may quickly end a budding romance between a police officer and his girlfriend.

“I met this really nice girl and we went out on our first date. Everything was going fairly smoothly until I opened the door on my car for her and, by pure habit, pushed her head down as she got in,” said the officer.

However, the all-time winning remark from a law enforcement officer is….

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

email author More by Cal