Answering an age-old question

Published 10:55 am Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Why did the chicken cross the road?

According to research performed by my friend, Bobby “Keys” Eure, he has discovered various answers to that age-old question. Those answers are provided by some of the sharpest (LOL) minds in today’s world:

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be HUUUUUGE! It’s gonna be AMAZING!

TED CRUZ: It doesn’t matter where the damn chicken was born.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road, and if there any other chickens that are now hiding and waiting to cross the road and infiltrate the United States.

RAND PAUL: It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says. If we are displeased with the chicken’s response, then we’ll make something up.

MARCO RUBIO: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with that chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn’t brain surgery, so, tell me again, why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2016, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, track the number of steps it takes to cross the road and the number of calories burned while performing that feat, and balance your checkbook.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or was the chicken in a stationary position and the road moved beneath the chicken?

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. We liked being told stuff.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Thanks, Bobby for providing these interesting and entertaining answers.


Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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