Background checks, even for Yahoo-Rednecks

Published 10:20 am Thursday, January 7, 2016

I survived 2015. Yay!

So now I have a cold and feel dreadful. Happy 2016, Keith.

I hope you’re having a great New Year and that it continues to be happy, healthy, and wonderful throughout 2016.

No terrorist attacks so far this year…well no Radical Islamist Terror attacks. We do have a current Radical Yahoo-Redneck Terror Cell occupying some abandoned government buildings up there in Oregon.

My advice to the FBI, et. al., is to not engage or provoke these yahoos. No violence. No diplomacy. No manpower. Go on home and watch some games on the TV.

Last I heard the temperature up thataway was about 10 degrees. So I say to the law enforcement officers up there to just shut off all power, cut off the water and sewage, if possible, block any shipments of oil or kerosene, and walk away to your warm, cozy homes.

The yahoo terrorists will slink off pretty quickly when they discover it’s mighty chilly up there in the winter and nobody much cares about what they’re doing or why they’re doing it.

Meanwhile, the law enforcement personnel can relax with friends and loved ones in their warm, comfy living rooms as the yahoo terrorists realize that the squirrels and deer don’t really care about all the idiotic rambling from those cold cabins in the woods. The woodland creatures just need to keep a sharp lookout for yahoos trying to shoot them as the “patriots” search for some food.

The yahoo Rednecks (there is a distinction between normal Rednecks and yahoo Rednecks, by the way) will soon be heading down the mountain for home so they can lasciviously ogle gun programs on TV and dream about how close they came to defeating the evil democracy that the United States has been and continues to be.

“Darn it,” they think, “There goes our theocracy, where we would finally get to tell everybody how to live, what to do, and how to think.”

While the wannabe threats to all that is decent and good and fair in the world are still occupying empty buildings, shivering, and dreaming of some juicy squirrel meat being prepared by sister-wives (don’t delve too deeply into this imagery), President Obama is making it harder for them to get better guns for their next anti-democratic foray into establishing their much desired dictatorial theocracy – just like the ayatollah has over there in Iran.

I haven’t seen Obama’s full speech in exercising executive authority to make sure everybody has to be background checked before buying guns, but I gather the National Rifle Association and all their political lackeys see this as Obama taking their Constitutional right away.

Some pundits on Fox News think Obama had a raw onion planted on his podium so he could fake tears while talking about the many deaths of children to gun violence, especially the 20, six-year-olds killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

What balderdash – or the more vulgar “b” compound word with eight letters. All Obama has done is make the enforcement of background checks more consistent. Nothing dastardly even if your interpretation of the Second Amendment is to guarantee people can rise up and quickly overthrow our democratic system of government.

He just wants to reduce the number of people killed by gun violence, usually committed by people who had no business wielding a weapon.

We need to go much further on commonsense gun control measures, while still maintaining everyone’s Second Amendment Rights, but even the president is limited in what he or (soon to be) she can do. (Hope I didn’t just bust Trump’s delusion that he can do it all by himself if he gets elected.)


Keith Hoggard is a Staff Writer at Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at or 252-332-7206.