Vote for your pal Cal
Published 7:30 am Tuesday, December 30, 2014
The candidates from both major parties are lining-up for the 2016 presidential race. Add one more name to an already crowded field of candidates vying for the highest office in the land.
Yep, I’ve made-up my mind….Cal Bryant will seek to become the 45th president of these United States of America.
I have formed an exploratory committee and have set aside one-half of my bi-monthly salary – all eight dollars and 32 cents of it – to conduct a national demographic study in order to find out which voters I should target.
Instead of announcing my intentions on a national stage, I’ve decided to begin my drive for the White House right here at the local grassroots level.
The Iowa Caucus is just over 12 months away. There’s no time like the present to get busy.
My friends and my fellow Americans, this is why I want to become the next leader of the free world.
Foreign policy, I have none. I feel foreign policy is better left with foreigners.
My position on the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East. We have the resources to have ended this thing years and billions, perhaps trillions, of dollars ago. But whatever we do or whatever we’ve done over there since the start of our involvement there it makes no difference. The Middle East, in Biblical terms, is the cradle of civilization. They’ve been fighting over there since before the birth of Jesus and will continue to do so long after we pack up and come home.
Domestic policy. We need to dedicate ourselves, first and foremost, to take care of our own. We have way too many problems right here at home. We need to take all the money we’re shipping overseas to countries that turn-around and stab us in the back and use it to address education, the elderly, the under-or-noninsured, etc. right here at home.
Immigration. You want to become an American…fine, come join us, but there are few simple rules. (1) We speak English and so will you. (2) We salute one flag – it’s red, white and blue with 50 stars – and so will you. (3) We are loyal to other citizens of the United States and so will you. (4) The failure to abide by any of the aforementioned three rules will lead to immediate deportation and permanent banishment from the United States.
Taxes. I’ll make this as simple as possible. You put in a day’s work and earn money. At the end of the year, the total amount of money you’ve earned will be taxed at a flat 18 percent rate. No more unfair advantage for the rich…no loopholes or tax shelters. The more you make, the more you pay. If the government fails to operate in the black on an 18 percent tax rate, then it should begin to find cost-savings from within and not on borrowed money.
And now for the fun stuff…my running mate and the members of my Cabinet if elected.
My running mate is a no-brainer. Gene Motley will be at my side on the campaign trail, not to influence the black vote, but just because “Mean Gene” has some great ideas on how to make this country great.
Upon being elected, I shall appoint Valerie Asbell as the Attorney General. She knows how to enforce the law.
As my Secretary of State, David Thompson will fill that role. There was no better basketball player at State than DT.
Secretary of Defense is also a no-brainer. I will appoint Carolina Panthers linebacker Luke Kuechly.
Danny Revelle will head-up the Department of Agriculture. Danny has leased our family farm in Northampton County for years. He knows about corn, cotton, peanuts and pigs. He can learn about wheat and dairy cows. That’s all we need to live – corn oil to fry pork chops, and bread for our peanut butter sandwiches to which we’ll wash it all down with a big, cold glass of milk while wearing clothing made of cotton. Oh, yea, he’ll need to learn about coffee beans. I’ve gotta have a cup of coffee in the morning before making important decisions for our nation.
James Eure is my pick for Secretary of Commerce. He knows all about the financial world; better yet he’s a Northampton County native.
I know it’s taboo to favor family members, but my daughter, Danielle, will make a great Secretary of Transportation. Nobody travels more than Danielle. She’s also my pick for Secretary of the Treasury. Nobody can spend money like my daughter.
I will do away with a Secretary of the Interior. However, I shall appoint Jennifer Lopez as Secretary of the Exterior. No explanation is needed here.
I’m luring Thadd White away from the Bertie Ledger-Advance be my Secretary of Education. This is being done for two reasons, none having to do with education. (1) Thadd is a friend and former co-worker here at the News-Herald. (2) To show my diversity as a president, I decided to have one liberal member of my Cabinet.
Be sure to vote for your pal Cal.
Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or 252-332-7207.