Have you seen Elvis in a UFO?

Published 9:24 am Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Does anyone, other than me, recall the confusing questions on the 2010 U.S. Census? Yea, I know that was four years ago and you can’t recall what you did yesterday, but trust me, it was really confusing.

However, completing the Census is the right thing to do because the flow of Federal funds (if there any left by now) are based on population. By understanding our rural nature and small population, I know we do not qualify for big buckets of money from D.C., but every little bit helps. That’s why it’s so extremely important that each and every person is counted in a Census…we can use all the money we can get from the feds.

What would make things a whole lot more simple if there was a Federal Census for Southerners. These are questions that would fit most any redneck below the Mason-Dixon Line:

Last name:

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

( ) Billy-Bob

( ) Billy-Joe

( ) Billy-Ray

( ) Billy-Sue

( ) Billy-Mae

( ) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

( ) Booger

( ) Bubba

( ) Skeeter

( ) Junior

( ) Sissy

(_) Other

Age: (if unsure, guess)


( ) Male

( ) Female

( ) Not sure

Shoe Size: Left foot –    Right foot –


(Check appropriate box)

( ) Farmer

( ) Mechanic

( ) Hair Dresser

( ) Preacher

( ) Unemployed

Spouse’s Name:

2nd Spouse’s Name:

3rd Spouse’s Name:

Lover’s Name:

Number of children living in household:

Number of children living in shed:

Number that are yours:

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you ( ) own or ( ) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own:

Number of vehicles that still crank:

Number of vehicles in front yard:

Number of vehicles in back yard:

Number of vehicles on cement blocks:

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:

( ) truck

( ) bedroom

( ) bathroom

( ) kitchen

( ) shed

Model and year of your pickup truck: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

( )Yes ( ) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

( ) The National Enquirer

( ) The Globe

( ) TV Guide

( ) Soap Opera Digest

( ) Rifle and Shotgun

( ) Pro Wrestling Illustrated

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:

Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis: Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:

How often do you bathe:

( ) Weekly

( ) Monthly

( ) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:



Color of hair:

( ) Blonde

( ) Black

( ) Red

( ) Brown

( ) White

( ) Clairol

( ) Hair, what hair?

Color of teeth:

( ) Yellow

( ) Brownish-Yellow

( ) Brown

( ) Black

( ) Teeth, what teeth?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

( ) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

( ) 1 mile

( ) 2 miles

( ) just a whoop-and-a-holler

If we’re going to have any success in making these the standard Census questions for Southerners, then we need to start lobbying our federal legislators now….we all know how long it takes them just to form and hold onto a single thought!

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be reached at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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