Retreat is not an option

Published 9:00 am Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Many of us, especially those less-gifted from a technical standpoint over electronic gizmos, struggle when it comes to understanding computers and the accompanying  software.

From a personal standpoint it takes several readings of the somewhat mystifying instructions just for me to set the clock on these gadgets.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to attempting to understand the fairer sex. Ever since Adam attempted, in vain, to convince Eve to stop loitering around the apple tree, man has struggled in his effort to figure out what makes a woman tick. I guess we’ll all go to our graves without accomplishing that feat.

The following email, received recently from Bobby “Keys” Eure, accurately sums up what I’m talking about. Please read, enjoy and share this parody of a computer software problem:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0  to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, NASCAR 4.7 and Softball 3.6

Also, I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!


Troubled User

The following is the reply from Tech Support:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.  Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing several background applications – Yes Dear 2.7, Fine Dear 3.0 and the latest version of MRH (Mommy Runs the Household) – to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Let me remind you that Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!

Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2 However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support


Cal Bryant, if still breathing after his wife reads this, is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Hopefully he can still be contacted at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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