May I die while eating grits

Published 8:40 am Tuesday, October 18, 2011

There’s a couple of tests that I feel those who have relocated below the Mason-Dixon Line must pass before I’ll consider them as former Yankees.

One, you must eat and enjoy pork barbecue – minced, sliced or pulled hot off the grill from a deliciously roasted hog.

Two, you must eat and enjoy grits. I really think it’s this one where the Yanks have trouble.

Some folks, perhaps most living in the New England states, believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking that form of vegetation after spreading sheets around them.

While we know that grits are made from coarsely ground white corn, there are lies spread by Communists and terrorists that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely grits. Southerners disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat grits without these key ingredients.

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we Southerners can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. Please note that synthetic grits have been shown to cause nausea and can leave you unable to have children.

For those wondering how to prepare this delightful delicacy, for a single serving you need to boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter and add five tablespoons of grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are done.

If you want to add a slice of heaven to your grits, prepare some red eye gravy. Simply fry some salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add black coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. It’s great on grits and biscuits.

Never ever add any type of syrup to your grits. Never add margarine, only use real butter. The butter should cause the grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits.

Another big “no-no” when eating grits is the use of a spoon. A fork does just fine as your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

Don’t forget to add salt to your grits. The correct ratio of grit to salt is 10:1. Therefore for every 10 grits you should have one grain of salt.

And always remember to say the following blessing before eating grits:

“May the Lord bless these grits;

May Yankees never get the recipe;

May I eat grits each day while living; and

May I die while eating grits….Amen.”

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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