Don’t let ‘em reproduce

Published 8:43 am Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Although no one should condone their criminal actions, dumb crooks often provide a good laugh on an otherwise slow, drab day.

Even now and then, when in need of a smile, I’ll scan the Internet for new stories that tickle the funny bone. One of my favorite Google searches is dumb crook news, of which I’ll share a few of my latest findings:

This one is from CNN, dated March 8 of this year in Portland, Oregon. It concerns a residential intruder who turned the tables on the homeowner by beating him to the punch to call 9-1-1.

According to the story, Timothy James Chapek broke into a home and was taking a shower (there’s nothing worse than not looking and feeling your best during a break-in) when the homeowner returned.

When the homeowner asked the intruder what he was doing, Chapek locked himself in the bathroom and called 9-1-1, admitting he had broken into the house, the owner had come home, and that he was concerned the owner might have a gun. Meanwhile, the homeowner was contacting law enforcement as well to report an intruder.

The police soon arrived, taking Chapek into custody and charging him with criminal trespass.

According to News of the Weird, a man in Seattle, Washington, apparently enraged that Santa did not bring him a big screen TV for Christmas last year, stole one instead.

Johnathon D. Barnes nabbed a 50-inch TV from the back of a parked delivery truck and stashed it in a shopping cart, which he began to push down the street.

Things began to go downhill from there as Barnes – perhaps not the sharpest knife in the drawer – took a route that carried him right past a police station. An officer, who at that precise moment was parking his patrol car at the station, saw Barnes, dressed entirely in camouflage, walking past. The officer approached Barnes, asking him what was up with the TV in a shopping cart. Barnes said he had just purchased it from a friend….and then he ran. The officer chased him down and placed Barnes under arrest.

From the Sandusky (Ohio) Register in February of this year….Police here can’t take too much credit for stopping a woman they say was drinking and driving — they say she pulled herself over.

Officers in this Lake Erie town say the woman stopped because she thought she saw police lights, but it turns out the flashing lights were from a skating rink sign.

The Register reported the woman’s car got stuck in a snow bank near the sign when she stopped early Monday and another motorist called police.

Officers say they took 27-year-old Nicole Scott to jail on charges of operating a vehicle under the influence. Police say Scott denied she had been driving.

And finally, this one from the John Boy and Billy Big Show….A woman in Grand Forks, North Dakota was testifying at the trial of two men accused of beating her up and robbing her at gunpoint. The woman burst into tears as she described the ordeal. The prosecutor listened intently to the story, paused, then asked, “And are the two perpetrators of this terrible crime present in the courtroom today?” Immediately the defendants both raised their hands and said, “Here.”

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publishing. He can be contacted at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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