Has anyone seen my feet?
Published 8:56 am Tuesday, June 21, 2011
At 1:45 p.m. on Wednesday afternoon (June 22), please keep this crusty old reporter in mind for, if anything, a brief moment. It will at that precise time when another birthday officially arrives.
Yep, at that precise hour my bones officially celebrate (or cry out in pain) year number 58 on this Earth. Those bones are still there; I can verify that fact by the creaking sound they make every morning when I drag my tired butt out of bed.
Some will say that age is only a state of mind. I guess that’s right. I’m trying to convince my mind that I’m 25 years younger, but my body isn’t buying it.
Other than being overweight, smoke too much and drink way too much caffeine, I’m the perfect picture of health. The only reason I am a picture of health is tied to the fact that I do not look at myself in a mirror. I simply close my eyes and visualize a high school kid in size 26 blue jeans; a tee-shirt that doesn’t stop at my naval and a head full of thick, jet black hair. Reality sets in when I open my eyes and peer towards the floor – ye gads, where are my feet?
But with age comes wisdom, even though I can’t remember it all. With that said, here are a few things I’ve learned in 58 years on God’s green Earth:
There’s more room out than in.
We don’t need Nike to tell us to, “Just Do It.” If something needs to be done, then just do it.
There’s nothing better than the love of a loyal dog. Dogs don’t get mad when you look at another dog.
When a woman says no, she means no. When a woman says yes, she means no.
Never forget the previous pair of facts.
The secret to success is as follows: At age 4, not peeing in your pants; at age 12, having friends; at age 16, having a driver’s license; at age 20, having sex; at age 35, having money; at age 50, having even more money; at age 60, having sex; at age 70, having a driver’s license; at age 75, having friends; and at age 90, not peeing in your pants.
Never express an opinion, nobody wants to hear it anyway.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Football is life.
To women – you can either ask a man to do something or tell us how you want it done. Please, pick just one; you can’t have both.
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, please, do not open it. This group operates a scam, claiming you owe them money. They claim to use that money to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them!
Men do not need to stop and ask for directions when traveling. We always look to our hero – Columbus. He didn’t know where he was heading and things turned out pretty good for him, now didn’t they?
I would share more on my observations of life, but I’m tired and in need of a nap. Wake me up in time to write next week’s column.
Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be reached at email@example.com or 252-332-7207.