Real life definitions

Published 9:36 am Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I didn’t fall into the bowels of the Earth on Saturday, so now that we’ve survived the “Rolling Rapture” weekend, I guess it’s time to head back to work and time to pen another column.

It’s easy to peer inside the pages of a dictionary to learn the definition of a word.

Old man Webster is indeed a good source of information when it comes to words. But what if there was such a book that took a light-hearted look at certain words, ones where the definition is in real life.

The following are such words. Some were sent to me by Mr. Obivous himself, Bobby “Keys” Eure, while the others I looked up while visiting several websites. Hope you enjoy!

Gravity – it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!

Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

A clock is a small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning “tone deaf”.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and then sings about it.

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

“Normal”: A setting on a washing machine.

Health is the slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty means having too much month left at the end of the money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep is that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

A skier is a person who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

Coffee can be a delightful eye-opening beverage, but in whacky terms it’s a person who is coughed upon.

Ever felt flabbergasted? That means you’re appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash is a rapidly receding hairline.

Pokemon is a Jamaican proctologist.

An oyster is a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph: to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle is an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Rectitude is the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Circumvent is the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism is a belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

An arbitrator is a cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.

Do you know what a bull fighter tries to do…..avoidable.

Counterfeiters are workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Relief: What trees do in the Spring.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

And lastly, one that I’m very familiar with…Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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