THE RULES – read’em, learn’em

Published 9:38 am Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Did you know that studies have shown than two of every three illiterate people in the world are women?

Really, I didn’t know that until I read a story on the world’s illiteracy rate.

The study went on to show that illiterate patterns deal with the written word and not numbers. That made sense since it’s a known fact that women have no trouble in writing a check following a huge shopping spree.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying women have no intelligent brain waves coursing through their bodies. They are very smart creatures…if not, then why are they credited with making and enforcing all the rules that men must live by.

For those unfortunate men who have not yet been introduced to what is simply known worldwide as “THE RULES,” here they are for your knowledge. Read them and learn them…they may save your life one day.

Rule #1: The female always makes THE RULES.

#2: THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

#3: No male can possible know all THE RULES.

#4: If the female suspects the male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

#5: The female is never wrong.

#6: If it appears the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the male did or said wrong.

#7: If, God forbid, rule #6 ever comes into play, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

#8: The female can change her mind at any time. No penalties are assessed for that change.

#9: The male is never permitted to change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

#10: Without showing any just cause or reason, the female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

#11: The male must remain calm at all times, that is unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

#12: The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. If men need to understand exactly what they are angry or upset over, they need to make that request of the female, but do not expect an answer.

#13: At all times, what is important is what the female meant, not what she said.

#14: If the male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

#15: If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the male must cater to her every whim. When this monthly issue arises, men are not allowed to seek shelter in our answer to PMS, which, by the way, is ESPN.

#16: Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

However, we men do have a very few rules of our own, although we don’t get all testy and referred to them as “THE RULES.” Here are just a few of my favorite things that women need to know:

Just so you know…men don’t have any “feelings” to talk about.

If a woman wants a man to perform some sort of task, they are required to ask three times.  The first time we didn’t hear you and the second time we didn’t think you were serious.

Columbus didn’t stop to ask for directions and he turned out pretty good.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to…expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

And the number one rule women need to know about men….Sunday = sports.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke Publications. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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