As a newspaper editor, I lay awake some nights thinking about headlines.

No, I do not write headlines while in the comfort of my bed. Rather, I will recall the ones I wrote in the most current edition of this newspaper and hope they are correct. My worst nightmare is a headline that due to its inaccuracy or misspelling detracts from the substance of the story.

But there are headlines that slip past even the most savvy editors. Listed below are a few funny headlines (thanks to innocentenglish.com for these nuggets):

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over

Judge to rule on nude beach

Include your children when baking cookies

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Local high school dropouts cut in half

War dims hope for peace

Couple slain; police suspect homicide

Crack found on governor’s daughter

Red tape holds up new bridges

Funny words in print (or the way we interpret them) are not just restricted to newspaper headlines. Here’s a sampling of church bulletin “boo-boos”:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight:  “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” (the writer of this church bulletin forgot the “o”) to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed these as much as I did.

Happy New Year!

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.