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Magical flying toilet water

E-mails…they come to my computer by the hundreds each and every day.

The majority of that information is sent for the purpose of publication in the newspapers this company owns. I sort through that info, make any needed adjustments, fix the attached photos (if any) and add everything to a long list of items that need to be published.

On occasion I receive e-mails that are for my own education. They warn of things I may stumble across and, if properly notified of the gloom and doom that awaits, my life may be spared.

I want to use this week’s space to thank those e-mailers for passing along your life-saving advice. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Never again will I ask for a slice of lemon with my tea for fear of bacteria.

Thanks to your warning I can’t use the TV remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. Ditto for sitting down on a hotel bedspread.

I now have trouble shaking hands with someone who just exited a vehicle because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

A special thank-you goes to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

My bank account may be dwindling, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

KFC, one of my favorite places to eat, is now off my list because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to many I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Due to your concern for my health, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because, according to an e-mail, water can magically fly six feet from a toilet when it’s flushed.

I’m now returning the favor. If you do not send this column (by regular mail – don’t forget about the rat crap – or e-mail) to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. tomorrow and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.