Maneuvering the speed bump of life

Published 8:46 am Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I don’t need a calendar….the signs are everywhere.

When you drag your tired butt out of bed each morning and hurt in places that you didn’t know existed, then you know you’re getting old.

When a hot shower is better than a hot slice of apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, then you know the years are beginning to pile up.

Ditto when you realize that you are the oldest person in your office. Our “baby” here is Anna – our Classified sales gal…she’s 21, meaning I’m old enough to be her grandpa.

When someone in the office says, “go ask the old man” – I’ll have a co-worker at my desk within a few seconds.

So, I got to thinking, what are the other non-calendar signs of aging?

One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

You realize that a stamp today costs more than admission to the movies when you were growing up.

If single and dating someone half their age, they’re not breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Your favorite TV show is Storm Stories on The Weather Channel.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You’re good at opening childproof caps – with a hammer.

You still have a photographic memory, but it no longer offers same day service.

You consider happy hour as nap time.

While all the above are now a part of my life, I still feel young at heart….but older in other places.

I really can’t let this thought of aging get me down because, after all, it’s so dadgum hard to get back up.

One good thing about my age is I no longer have to worry about avoiding temptation because as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

At my age, it’s hard to find games to play. I think someone ought to invent some type of entertainment for us pre-senior citizens. How ‘bout Sag, You’re It; 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear; Kick the Bucket; Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over; Simon Says Something Incoherent; Spin the Bottle of Mylanta;

Musical Recliners; or Hide and Go Pee.

But with age, comes wisdom. Here’s one important thing I’ll leave you with. Did you know there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research? This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky appendages and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.