Rules of the Universe

Published 11:27 am Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Do you know the rules?

Do you understand the rules?

If you answered no to either or both questions, consider these “Rules of the Universe” as sent to me by friend, Bobby “Keys” Eure.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don’t worry about what people think…they don’t do it very often.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

There is not one shred of evidence supporting the notion that life is serious.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look liked your passport photo, then you probably need to take a trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of payments.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist swap places.

Opportunities always look bigger once they have passed.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and toss in the trash three weeks before it is needed.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone thinking logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

You should never confuse your career with your life.

If you were always told to expect the unexpected, then don’t be surprised when the unexpected arrives.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well…just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You’ll never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.

You should never, ever say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.

The one thing uniting all human beings – regardless of age, gender, religious belief, economic status or ethnic background – is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

Despite yourself, your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built Noah’s Ark while a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.