A smorgasbord of absolute gibberish

Published 9:17 am Tuesday, December 29, 2009

‘Twas the week after Christmas and here at my desk, everyone is sending e-mails and I’m in a mess.

It’s back to reality after three days off for Christmas (Thursday, Friday and Saturday; I returned to work on Sunday). It was great spending some quality time with the family. We even took in a movie (“The Blindside”…it receives five stars from this critic) on Saturday. It was my first time in the Ahoskie Cinema since…well, I can’t actually remember the last movie I saw there.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end and it did for me when I opened up my e-mail on Sunday morning and discovered 119 new messages. The chore of sorting through those messages drastically cut down on my “free” time to write a single-subject column. With that in mind, here are a few brief opinions on a variety of subjects.

The loud scream you may have heard coming from 801 Parker Ave. in downtown Ahoskie on Sunday was me after learning that my beloved Miami Dolphins, down 27-3 at halftime at home vs. Houston, came roaring back, only to lose 27-20. The ‘Fins post-season hopes are now about as slim as Obama winning a second term in office.

I’ve now learned there are four levels of stench – scanky, real scanky, super scanky and Tar Heel football.

I’m seriously considering giving my TV remote control a nickname – Osama. I can’t ever find the darn thing!

Newspaper headline of the year: Pregnant woman fined for failing to scoop poop.

Newspaper story of the year: A Portland (Oregon) man who attacked his ex-girlfriend and impaled her pet fish this summer has been sentenced to two years probation, a psychological evaluation and community service. Donald Earl Fite III, 27, pled guilty to animal abuse and domestic violence assault. According to court records, Sarah Harris had broken up with Fite but returned to her Portland apartment July 25 to find him lying on her bed, saying he wanted to get back together. Harris fled, but returned with a police officer to find her fish — a bright purple betta named “DeLorean” — on the wood floor with a knife through it. According to court records, Fite quickly admitted killing the fish, telling police: “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the fish.”

Best use of a famous quote: “Frankly Scallop, I don’t give a clam!”

Best sign seen hanging on the door of a business: “Out of my mind, be right back!”

I’ll leave you with a few funny slogans:

“I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.”

“I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”

“Rehab is for quitters.”

“Stupidity is not a handicap – Park elsewhere!”

“They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.”

“If there is no God, then who pops up the next Kleenex?”

“My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.”

“Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“God must love stupid people, he made so many.”

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7213.