Kids say the darndest things

Published 9:59 am Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Perhaps I’m showing my age, but one of my favorite TV shows growing up was Art Linkletter’s House Party.

Five days a week for over 20 years, Art Linkletter made us laugh, cry and let us all know it was okay just being who you are.

One of the most famous skits on those old black-and-white TV shows was “Kids say the darndest things.” Art would gather a group of children and, one by one, asked them a simple question. Meanwhile, Mr. Linkletter, along with his live audience, would brace for a wide range of answers.

On one show, he asked a little girl what she wanted to be when she grew-up. Her answer was, “a pregnant alley cat.”

Another girl was asked to share a family secret…“My mom’s pregnant, but my dad doesn’t know.”

Those precious answers to life’s simple questions made Art Linkletter’s show one of the most well watched and beloved TV series of all time.

Even though Mr. Linkletter retired years ago and is now approaching his 100th birthday, kids still say the darndest things. Take the following as an example..answers from a elementary school science exam:

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

I hope the last kid grows to be as old as Art Linkletter. He (or she) has a great future as a politician.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.