Are you a ‘legal’ Hertford County citizen?

Published 2:01 pm Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I never knew there was an application to fill out in order to live in Hertford County.

A few weeks back, Hugh Jones dropped by the office to say hello and goodbye. Mr. Jones, who for as long as I’ve known has owned the lumber yard that adjoins the back side of our lot here on Catherine Creek Road, has retired and is moving away.

I’ve always respected Mr. Jones and his family. All are a hard-working bunch, synonymous with those who work in the lumber business.

During his visit, Mr. Jones gave me some old newspapers he had collected over the years. Some were old editions of The Herald while the others were back issues of The Virginian-Pilot and News & Observer. I treasure old newspapers.

He also handed me a handful of 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of paper. Their topics covered everything from light-hearted (and clean) jokes to a poem about being a good businessman (which I’m sure Mr. Jones was during his career).

Of those, one really caught my eye. It was entitled “Application to Live in Hertford County (Yankees need not apply)” I thought I’d share it with you, so here goes:




Address (Street or Trailer Park)

Neck Color: (1) Light Red; (2) Medium Red; (3) Dark Red; (4) Dirty

Number of Teeth exposed in full grin: Upper – Lower

Make of Pick up Truck; Size of Tires; Does it have doors? Do the doors have glass?

How high is the first step into the pick up: (1) 3 feet; (2) 4 feet; (3) More

Number of beer cans in floor of pick up

Number of beer cans in bed of pick up

Number of peanut shells in floor of pick up

Color of pick up: (1) Camo; (2) Primer; (3) Multi-color

Truck is equipped with (check all that apply): Gun Rack; 4-wheel drive; 8-track; Spittoon; Inspection Sticker; Running Boards; Mud Flaps; Fuzz Buster; Tree Stand; Dog Box; Fuzzy Dice; Hi-jack shocks; Bull Horn; Load of manure; Camper Shell; Pit Bull; Mud Tires; Seat; Rocking Chair in bed; Flood Lights

Bumper Sticker(s) on pick up: Garth Brooks for President; Almost Heaven; I Love Grits; Honk if you love Jesus; Pass at Risk: Driver Chews; I Dig Boiled Peanuts; Where the Hell is New York; Honk if you love Richard Petty

How many cars are up on blocks in your yard?

How many appliances are in your yard (working or not)?

How many dogs are under your mobile home?

When was your last sighting of Elvis?

Do you own any shoes (not counting boots)?

Does you wife weigh more than your pick up?

Have you stayed sober for a whole weekend?

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?

Do you own a tee shirt without holes or grease stains?

Do you have No Trespassing signs on your porch?

What is the logo on your cap? (1) Red Man; (2) Dale Earnhardt; (3) CAT; (4) Other

Thanks Mr. Jones for sharing a good laugh and thanks for being a good corporate neighbor and employer in this town and county for all these years. Best wishes in retirement.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.