You can’t make this stuff up

Published 7:06 pm Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Bobby Eure is a great guy and a close friend.

The now retired Ahoskie Police officer is helping to pass the days away by working at the Ahoskie High School Apartments. He also uses his time to send me funny e-mails.

One of those “fall out of your chair with laughter” electronic jokes arrived on Thursday of last week. I guess I was the logical choice to send it to because it dealt with newspaper bloopers and just plain funny, but true, stories.

Here’s a sampling:

There was a small block ad which promoted a 50 percent off sale (or half price, whichever is less).

A teen views column stated, “statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.” (Duh!!!)

Funny, but stupid, headlines include: Fish need water; One-armed man applauds kindness of strangers; Attorney accidentally sues himself; County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds; and, Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum (the underline read: “We had no idea anyone was buried there”).

My favorite dumbest headline was, Federal agents raid gun shop; find weapons. What else did the editor think would be found in a gun shop?

The funniest items were what we call in the business as the police blotter. They’re simply a collection of short, mostly one paragraph, reports. Check out these funnies:

A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman.

Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.” Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.

Tuesday, 12:35 a.m. – Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that intruder “was in the mirror.”

A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling “help” from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named “Help.”

Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area.

Officer dispatched to report of Swanson chicken pot pie running east on Clay Street. (Say what???)

Then there are the classifieds. I swear, you just can’t make these up…

For Sale – Turkey, partially eaten. Only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23.

China Cabinet, buffet, hutch, solid pine; 6.5 tall by 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.

Human Skull, Used Once only. Not plastic. $200.

Used Toilet Paper for sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs; call for details and prices.

And last, but certainly not least, my personal favorite…Tombstone: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady.

Thanks Bobby for sharing. Your e-mail arrived on a day when I needed a laugh.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at or 252-332-7207.