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The funny side of politics

Everywhere you turn the television lately, all the news is on the election. After so much heavy talk, I find once more that I need something light and funny to balance it. So I went to the Internet again to find something funny about politics (more than the usual, right?)

Anyway I know you will believe that I had a hard time finding something that didn’t just downright slam a person or that was slanted toward one party or the other. Neither of those are funny to me. So here are the few things I did find that gave me a chuckle.

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?”

He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If elected I promise’.”

There’s one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. “All you have to do” she told her class “is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around.

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators waiting at the door.

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, “What about the powerful interest that controls you?” And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”

In response to Stephen Douglas calling him two-faced, Abraham Lincoln quipped, “If I had another face, do you think I’d wear this one.”

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madame, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Lady Astor, first woman member of the House of Commons, pouring coffee for Winston Churchill: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” “Nancy,” Churchill replied, “if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.” –President Gerald Ford

“My fellow astronauts…”–Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”–Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

“I stand by all the misstatements.”–Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

“Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

“We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.”–State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5

“This is a great day for France!”–President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.”–California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood.

Hope you got your chuckle for today. As you go through life, look for the funny side. In all the serious talk, you may find a little drop of laughter. Some things we need to take seriously but we also need the light side to balance it. We can take ourselves as well as others much too serious.

Sylvia Hughes is a retired newspaper editor and regular contributor to the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald. She can be reached via email at sylvia.hughes@r-cnews.com.