• 50°

Extra! Extra! Get ‘em while they’re hot!

I came across a couple of amazing deals on real estate today… so astounding, in fact, that I just had to share it with you guys.

Did you know that for the very low price of $19.95 you could own gen-u-wine parcels of land in every one of the 50 states of the United States of America?

Those nice folks even e-mail you your printable deed instantly. Now, ain’t that somethin’!? Heck, you can even throw in $30 extra bucks or so and they’ll snail mail you your very own detailed deed on a plaque. Pretty nifty, huh?

Except there are just a few small details… for starters, each piece of land is one square inch. I reckon that’s not big enough to stand on, but you might could squat down and fit a fingertip on each of your properties if you wanted.

The website also warns that you can’t improve on the property by building on it. Imagine that! Man, I can’t tell you how disappointed I would be to not be able to build a matchstick house for the ants living on my one square inch.

Oh, well, at least you wouldn’t have to mow the grass, take out trash or even pay property taxes. Those nice folks selling the square-inch lots – you know, the ones making millions off this idea – they graciously agreed to take care of all that for the one acre of land they own in each state.

And did you know you’d have plenty of other people in your “neighborhood?” Who knew there were over six million square inches in one acre of land! That’s a lot of tiny little lots!

I guess when you get bored of bragging that you own land in all 50 states, you can do business with one of the companies that sell acres of land on the moon… or Mars, for that matter.

For just $99.95, you can own your very own acre of Martian soil… and only $29.95 for every acre thereafter. Whoo hoo! Sounds like a steal!

Too bad you’d never be able to visit it… but oh well, that’s just semantics.

After finding out about these great real estate deals today, I decided to start my own company… I’m gonna claim ownership of the sky and start sellin’ clouds. I mean, the possibilities are endless… new ones are always forming so I’d never run out of stuff to sell.

So here’s my offer… for a limited time only, for just $9.95, you can own your very own cloud. I’ll print you up somethin’ fancy on my computer printer and mail it right on out to you today. Call me for details and we’ll work it out.

If you order within the next 24 hours, I’ll even throw in a free one.

And how about when it rains? Talk about liquidating your assets… Yup, sounds like a good plan to me.

Jennipher Dickens is a Staff Writer for the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald. For comments and column suggestions, she can be reached by calling (252) 332-7208 or by emailing jennipher.dickens@r-cnews.com.