Are you old…do you know someone who is advanced in years?

I guess all of us (those over age 50), at one time or the other, thought that those who had reached their 30th birthday were considered old.

Then when we hit that aged number, 30 didn’t seem all that bad.

But then 40 rolled around and we begin studying those Social Security mailings a bit closer.

By the time the big “Five-Oh” arrived, not only were we reading the fine print on the Social Security information received in the mail, but we were seriously considering joining AARP in order to qualify for all the senior citizen discounts.

But how do we know when the actual “old age” arrives? You know that when…..

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

An attractive woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the nearest garage door.

When your wife says, &uot;Let’s go upstairs and make love&uot; and you answer, &uot;Honey, I can’t do both!&uot;

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Happy hour is a nap.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night and pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You have more patience, but actually it’s just that you don’t care any more.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

Your hip sets off a metal detector.

Every time you suck in your gut your ankles swell.

You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked the car.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

If you’ve never smoked, you can start now because it won’t have time to hurt you.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into &uot;dueling ailments.&uot;

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, &uot;Did I wake you?&uot;

You send money to PBS.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

Fashion Statement: black socks with sandals.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about &uot;good grass&uot; and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Everything that works hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at 332-7207 or cal.bryant@r-cnews.com.