Britney and the economy, there#8217;s an oxymoron
The idea for this column I owe partially to my co-worker Jennipher Dickens’s column she wrote on Thursday and partially because I have nothing for my column this week.
Hey, it happens.
Brace yourself Jennipher, but our little confused, bizarre, weirdo (Britney Spears) is estimated to be worth $110-$112 million to the United States economy.
Yes, it’s true…even crazy can be an asset in these “hard financial times.”
The report comes from Portfolio Magazine, whose editor, it seems, was scraping the bottom of the barrel for material as well.
According to the report, record companies, promoters and licensers make $30-$40 million off Britney, while the paparazzi make 4 million dollars from selling photos and celebrity tabloids, web traffic and other media make an estimated 75 million dollars off her in a year.
And then there’s the ex-factor, Kevin Federline, who rakes in a million dollars a year because of her.
Of course, this all comes on the heels of therapists telling the media to stop diagnosis Britney.
Given that Britney is economical benefit to this country and no one else is doing their job to…well, protect her from herself, I’ll gladly analyze her.
CASE STUDY: 00217854
Name: Britney Spears
Hometown: A planet yet to be located
In her teen years, subject seemingly displayed normal behavior. There were “episodes” within her younger years. These only escalated after her marriage broke up.
Subject is exhibiting the following characteristics:
* Erratic, unpredictable behavior
No Credit Card Limit-itis: It’s possible since Britney appears to not have a limit on her credit card…it’s all just driven her a little mad.
Fake British Accent-pherenic (also known as Madonna Schizophrenia): Subject could have contacted this through the “exchange” she made with well-known ‘80s pop star at the MTV Video Music Awards a few years ago.
Allergic to courtrooms: As Britney cannot get within 50 feet of a courthouse without turning around and running away in the nearest awaiting SUV, she seems she has an allergy. Suggested prescription: a nice, long prison sentence.
Obsession with randomness: As subject likes to lead paparazzi on 100 mph chase on the wrong side of the road only to pull over and select one of the cameramen to come home with her. Seems confused as to whether or not she wants to be the cat or the mouse.
Cheetos and Starbucks Bi-polar-ness: Since Britney cannot go anywhere without a full dose of caffeine and manufactured food running through her veins.
God-Complex: It is possible Britney sometimes believes she is the leader of a planet somewhere outside of the Milky Way. Check for any connection to Tom Cruise or Scientology.
Final Diagnosis: Absolutely nuts!
OK, so I’m not a certified therapist and more than half of those words I just listed do not exist in the English language or any human language at that. So, I guess in the end the therapists win…I will never attempt to diagnosis Britney again. And as for Britney and the economy, there’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever seen one.
Amanda VanDerBroek is a Staff Writer for the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald. For comments and column suggestions email: firstname.lastname@example.org or call (252) 332-7209.