You know you#8217;re a Redneck when. By Cal Bryant 01/07/2008 Of all the Christmas cards my wife and I received this year, I cherish one in particular. It made it to Ahoskie all the way from Hotlanta,
Published 12:00 am Monday, January 7, 2008
Of all the Christmas cards my wife and I received this year, I cherish one in particular.
It made it to Ahoskie all the way from Hotlanta, Georgia….a city that no matter how hard it attempts to persuade the rest of the world that it’s a sophisticated place, it’s still a Southern city.
Years ago, my good friend, Kevin Braun, moved to Hotlanta along with his wife, Sonya. There, they have raised two boys.
Kevin works with the south’s most prestigious newspaper, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Kevin came to Ahoskie back in the 1970’s. The New Jersey native, fresh out of Syracuse University with a journalism degree in hand, landed a reporter’s job with the News-Herald. It was my first time being around a true-to-life Yankee.
It took a while, but we transformed Kevin into a Southerner. We taught him the fine art of eating grits and barbecue. We “learned” him all about NASCAR and professional “rasslin.” We were proud of what we had accomplished.
We introduced Kevin to what it’s like to be a redneck. Now, he proudly boasts of that lineage, even though his birth certificate says he originated north of the Mason-Dixon Line.
To our newest northern guests, we welcome you as well. But to live here, you must understand what it takes to become a good, old redneck. Read the following on how to identify a redneck. You know you are trailer trash when……
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is &uot;out of your league&uot; bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, &uot;Hey y’all watch this.&uot;
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, &uot;Gentlemen start your engines.&uot;
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
You’ve been too drunk to fish.
See ya’ll next week, ‘ya hear!