Learn new words; impress your friends

Published 12:00 am Monday, October 22, 2007

Who said you can’t teach an old dog a new trick?

With that in mind, you can also teach an old dog – in this particular case, that old dog is me – a new word.

New words are filling dictionaries faster than they can be printed. The ongoing explosion of electronic technology has added numerous new words to the English language.

So, to enlighten my loyal readers (all 3 of you), here are a few new words. Memorize them and impress your friends:

ad creep (noun) The gradual expansion of advertising space to non-traditional surfaces such as floors, bathroom walls, cars and the sides of buildings. Or it can be used, in Cal’s lingo, to describe an advertising agent that looks like John Kerry.

furkid (noun) A pet treated as though it were one’s child. Cal’s definition: a child with a hormonal imbalance, thus in need of a hair removal product (see teen werewolf).

metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) (noun) An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle. Or, by Cal’s line of thinking, a poofster (I refuse to give the definition of that word in fear of being accused of a hate crime).

pomosexual (poh.moh.SEK.shoo.ul) (noun) A person who shuns labels such as heterosexual and homosexual that define individuals by their sexual preferences. What it really means is a &uot;flaming poofster.&uot;

technosexual (tek.noh.SEK.shoo.ul) (noun) A male with a strong aesthetic sense and a love of technology. Real meaning: a poofster employed as a gopher in the IT department of an upscale business.

cattalo (KAT.uh.loh) (noun) A hybrid animal that combines a cow and a buffalo and is said to be lower in fat and cholesterol and higher in protein and iron than cattle. Cal defines it as something he will not see on his plate, even if it’s covered in onions and mushroom gravy.

crittercam (noun) A camera attached to a wild animal. My thoughts: apparently the whole world has gone completely mad or else people have way too much time on their hands.

velocitize (vuh.LAWS.i.tyz) (verb) To cause a person to become used to a fast speed. Actually, this word has been around for a long time, especially in the South. Down here they’re simply known as NASCAR fans.

togethering (past participle) Vacationing with one’s extended family or friends. True meaning: a week in hell.

fauxhawk (FOH.hawk) (noun) A hairstyle in which a strip of hair across the top of the head is longer and higher than the hair on the remainder of the head. Note: this again is wordplay on something used for years. Speedy Powell (circa, the 1970’s) invented what is now called fauxhawk. Speedy was bald on top, but his hair grew in abundance on the sides. He kept one side extremely long and simply combed it over to cover his bald spot.

chugger (noun) A professional fundraiser who approaches people on the street to ask for money on behalf of a charity. (see John Edwards)

chicken hawk (noun) A person who now advocates war but who once took special measures to avoid military service. (see George W. Bush)

Viagra divorce (noun) A divorce granted on the grounds that a husband is behaving aggressively or unfaithfully after taking Viagra or some other anti-impotence drug. Cal’s reaction: pardon the pun but I’m not touching this one with a 10-foot pole.

hoplophobia (HAWP.luh.foh.bee.uh) (noun) The fear of guns. &uot;Dumophobia&uot; – what dumbo isn’t scared of guns…they will kill you.

zorbing (noun) A sport in which a person is strapped inside a large sphere which is itself held inside a larger sphere by a cushion of air and then rolled down a hill or along the ground. Does that mean a person strapped inside is a zorbonaut? Or are they just plain stupid?

Generation XL (noun) Children or young adults who are overweight. Cal’s thoughts: No doubt this is a byproduct of what’s wrong with our kids today. Their minds are controlled by some snazzy electronic gadget, leaving them to surrender their free time plopped on a sofa, complete with high-fat treats, rather than playing outside and burning calories.

go commando (verb) To wear trousers without putting on underwear. Yea, but what if your zipper breaks.

Hope you learned something new.