The Lohan stages of denial

Published 12:00 am Saturday, July 28, 2007

They say the only way to beat addiction is to admit you have one.

Apparently in all the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings Lindsay Lohan sat through no one gave her this advice. Or perhaps she was too busy making kissy faces at her reflection in the window to care.

I love to pick on these celeb brats who make their careers by not doing much but partying and, well, partying some more. God forbid if they were to actually make a career by making a quality film or album.

And lately for this material, I haven’t had to look far. These girls are being arrested faster than they can put on a pair of underwear.

First it was Paris and now, dear little Lindsay has not only been arrested once, but twice.

Take that Paris!

On Tuesday, Lindsay was arrested after she chased her assistant’s mother in her car and then stopped in a parking lot to argue with the mother, who promptly called the authorities.

If you haven’t guessed it already, Lindsay had far too many mojitos.

She was arrested and charged for DUI, not to mention cocaine possession and the Paris Hilton special: driving on a suspended license.

Did I mention the week before this she turned herself in to a police station for a separate DUI incident where she drove up on a sidewalk, hit a tree then ran away.

In reaction to Lindsay’s duel arrests, I’ve made up stages of denial in case you or someone you know is in danger of becoming a celebutant addicted to dissent and idiocy.

The Lindsay Lohan Stages of Denial

First stage: I was in the hospital for “exhaustion.”

Second stage: I was in the hospital again for “exhaustion.”

Third stage: I totally joined AA for these cool buttons! See: “One month sober.” What’s “sober” mean?

Fourth stage: You should see all the hot guys that go to AA. No, I wasn’t looking at them through the bottom of a beer mug.

Fifth stage: I’m sorry I didn’t come to the set today, my cat died.

Sixth stage: Yes, I’m drinking tequila at 7 a.m. in the morning. What? It’s just one bottle! Want the worm?

Seventh stage: Wow, this “rehab” place sounds like an awesome vacation hot spot. It’s like…the new Antigua.

Eighth stage: Sign on door says, “On lunch break from rehab, be back around 3 a.m.”

Ninth stage: I am cured! Ooh, beer!

Tenth stage: Really officer, that’s the sidewalk? Not the road? Is that why I hit a tree?

Eleventh stage: Yawn, I’m sleepy. Must be that “exhaustion” kicking in.

Twelfth stage: I’m not passed out in that photo. I’m trying to catch flies with my mouth.

Thirteenth stage: Where am I?

Fourteenth stage: Whoops! Back to “rehab.” Any one up for shopping on Rodeo?

Fifteenth stage: Wears t-shirt with the phrase, “I went to rehab and all I got was this lousy alcohol monitoring anklet.”

Sixteenth stage: It’s illegal to play tag with your car?

Seventeenth stage: That’s not cocaine, officer. I must have sat on my diet pills.

Eighteenth stage: Usually when I have a photo shoot they dress me in haute couture. Cheese!

Nineteenth stage: I am not in jail! I am not in jail! I am not in jail!

Twentieth stage: Dear Access Hollywood, I AM INNOCENT!

If you or anyone you know has experienced any stages in Lindsay Lohan Denial scale, do not check yourself or your friend into the nearest Promises Rehabilitation Clinic, where relapses are not a promise, but a guarantee.