What is your soundtrack?

Published 12:00 am Monday, March 19, 2007

Since this is my own personal space in the News Herald, I will use it this one time for a shameless plug.

If you need a great attorney that you won’t have to mortgage your home to pay for, call my man Louis Wilson in Murfreesboro; trust me on this.

Now for this week’s column:

The other night I was feeling nostalgic and decided to watch one of my favorite comedy films &uot;I’m Gonna Git You Sucka&uot;, the Keenan Ivory Wayans gem from the late 1980’s.

In the movie, Wayans plays the main character Jack Spade who proclaims that every hero needs a theme song.

Spade’s choice at the time was the song ‘Jack of Spades’ by rap group Boogie Down Productions.

No mystery there, but it got me to thinking what would my theme song be if I could have a soundtrack follow me everywhere I traveled.

After long and serious consideration, I narrowed my choices to ‘Midnight Rider’ by the Allman Brothers and ‘I’ll Bee Dat’ by Redman, eventually settling on the New Jersey rapper.

For those of you not familiar with the rap artist Redman, a.k.a. ‘Funk Doctor Spot’, many of his lyrics are laced with profanity, so my theme song might be off limits for many of our readers.

Of course after deciding on my own theme song, I made the effort to match theme songs with some of the people currently dominating today’s headlines as well as a few other people you might be familiar with.

I’ll start right here in the offices of the News Herald.

First up my editor, Cal Bryant.

Cal is partial to the Marshall Tucker Band, which is a little odd being that they are from South Carolina and we all know how Cal feels about South Carolina.

The song ’24 hours at a time’ suits Cal just right if you realize that the woman in the song is named The News Herald.

Other News Herald employees and their theme songs, Patrick Bryant – ‘Pimp Juice’ by Nelly, Thadd White – ‘The Way I Am’ by Eminem, Amanda VanDerBroek – ‘Leave Me Alone’ by Michael Jackson, Cheryl Manley – ‘Thong Song’ by Cisco (you’d have to ask Cheryl about that), Donna Jenkins – ‘Take this job and Shove It’ by Johnny Paycheck and finally Billy Harrell – ‘McDonalds and Mustangs’ by Billy Harrell (Oh, that’s not a real song? My bad).

Today’s newsmakers:

President George W. Bush – ‘How to Rob’ by 50 Cents. Has there ever been a bigger gangster than Dubya? I think not. Many Republicans say they don’t like the Democrats because they are a tax-&-spend party. On that assessment I’ll agree. President Bush is not a tax-&-spend president. At $500 billion and counting for an invasion on the country not responsible for 9/11 or home to Osama Bin Laden, he’s just a spend president (and a oil president and a death president and an elitist president).

Newt Gingrich – ‘Who’s Doin Who?’ by 2 Live Crew. So let me get this straight, while Gingrich was telling the world how despicable of a human being Bill Clinton was for having an affair with Monica Lewinsky, he was having an affair with one of his own aides?

Also, while Bill Clinton is impeachable for having an affair with one of his aides, Gingrich is brave for going public with his own affair? That’s the G.O.P. and their family values for you.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez – ‘What you Gon’ Do?’ by Lil John and the Eastside Boys. I never knew that the Attorney General was allowed to fire attorneys who did not see eye-to-eye with the president and his homeboys. In fact, the revelation that Gonzalez and his cohort Harriet Miers spearheaded this entire initiative is even more disturbing when you consider that President Bush had visions of the two of them being on the U.S. Supreme Court. Scary.

Vice President Dick Cheney – ‘Who Shot Ya?’ by The Notorious B.I.G. No explanation required.

Brittney Spears – ‘Bad Girl’ by Sinead O’Connor. Poor Brittney. It’s a long way back to the Mickey Mouse Club. Soon she’ll be known as Kevin Federline’s ex wife. At least her and O’Connor have something in common beside the haircuts, their careers are running parallel lines.

Barak Obama – ‘Try Me’ by James Brown. Is our country really ready for a black president? Sure, and as soon as those 200 million snow boots arrive in hell, I’ll sign up for theology school.

Hillary Clinton – ‘Not Ready to Make Nice’ by the Dixie Chicks. If Clinton makes it to the White House we may finally get to see the President of the United States slap a member of the U.S. Senate, that and the possibility of having an official feminine pad of the White House is enough to give me every column I’ll need for 2008 and beyond.

John McCain/Joe Lieberman – ‘My Prerogative’, by Bobby Brown. &uot;I’m a Republican, no I’m a Democrat.&uot; &uot;I support the war, then again, no, I don’t support the war.&uot; &uot;Boxers, briefs, wait a minute…bloomers!&uot; Either of these guys could hold court in a nice presidential debate, with themselves.

So, what’s your theme song?

Holla back.