Vote for your pal Cal

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Add one more name to an already crowded field of candidates vying for the highest office in the land.

Yep, I’ve made-up my mind….Cal Bryant will seek to become the 44th president of these United States of America.

I have formed an exploratory committee and have set aside one-half of my bi-weekly salary n all eight dollars and 32 cents of it n to conduct a national demographic study in order to find out which voters I should target.

Instead of going national and refraining from announcing my intentions on a stage such as The Late Show with David Letterman, I’ve decided to begin my drive for the White House right here at the local grassroots level.

The Iowa Caucus is only 10 months away. There’s no time like the present to get busy.

My friends and my fellow Americans, this is why I want to become the next leader of the free world.

Foreign policy, I have none. I feel foreign policy is better left with foreigners.

My position on the war in Iraq? We have the resources to have ended this thing years and billions, perhaps trillions, of dollars ago. But whatever we do or whatever we’ve done over there since the start of war, it makes no difference. Iraq, in Biblical terms, is the cradle of civilization. They’ve been fighting over there since before the birth of Jesus and will continue to do so long after we pack up and come home.

Domestic policy. We need to dedicate ourselves, first and foremost, to take care of our own. We have way too many problems right here at home. We need to take all the money we’re shipping overseas to countries that turn-around and stab us in the back and use it to address education, the elderly, the under-or-noninsured, etc. right here at home.

Immigration. You want to become an American…fine, come join us, but there are few simple rules. (1) We speak English and so will you. (2) We salute one flag n it’s red, white and blue with 50 stars n and so will you. (3) We are loyal to other citizens of the United States and so will you. (4) The failure to abide by any of the aforementioned three rules will lead to immediate deportation and permanent banishment from the United States.

Taxes. I’ll make this as simple as possible. You put in a day’s work and earn money. At the end of the year, the total amount of money you’ve earned will be taxed at a flat 18 percent rate. No more unfair advantage for the rich…no loopholes or tax shelters. The more you make, the more you pay. If the government fails to operate in the black on an 18 percent tax rate, then it should begin to find cost-savings from within and not on borrowed money.

And now for the fun stuff…my running mate and the members of my Cabinet if elected.

My running mate is a no-brainer. Curly Morris will be at my side on the campaign trail, not to influence the black vote, but just because Curly has some great ideas on how to make this country great.

Upon being elected, I shall appoint Valerie Mitchell-Asbell as the Attorney General. She knows how to enforce the law.

As my Secretary of State, David Thompson will fill that role. There was no better basketball player at State than DT.

Secretary of Defense is also a no-brainer. I will appoint Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher.

Danny Revelle will head-up the Department of Agriculture. Danny has leased our family farm in Northampton County for years. He knows about corn, cotton, peanuts and pigs. He can learn about wheat and dairy cows. That’s all we need to live n corn oil to fry pork chops and bread for our peanut butter sandwiches to which we’ll wash it all down with a big, cold glass of milk while wearing clothing made of cotton. Oh, yea, he’ll need to learn about coffee beans. I’ve gotta have a cup of coffee in the morning before making important decisions for our nation.

Jeff Mitchell is my pick for Secretary of Commerce. He’s a great banker and investor with Wachovia Securities. Better yet, he knows how to put on one whale of a water skiing event.

I know it’s taboo to favor family members, but my sister, Cindy Vinson, will make a great Secretary of Transportation. Nobody travels more than Cindy. She’s also my pick for Secretary of the Treasury. Nobody can spend money at the mall like my sister.

Beyonce for Secretary of the Exterior. No explanation is needed here.

As Secretary of the Interior, I proudly appoint Liz Brown of Murfreesboro. Liz is one great interior decorator and she recently met some famous English designer that stars on some famous show on The Home & Garden Network. That’s good enough for me!

I’m luring Keith Hoggard from Halifax County Public Schools to be my Secretary of Education. This is being done for two reasons, none having to do with education. (1) Keith is a friend and former co-worker here at the News-Herald. (2) To show my diversity as a president, I decided to have one liberal member of my Cabinet.

Be sure to vote for your pal Cal.