Stuff I should understand

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, February 7, 2007

What do I allow myself to take a headfirst dive into hot water when I’m well aware that it will scald me?

A few weeks back I penned a column entitled n “Someone turn-up the testosterone.” It was written tongue-in-cheek in regards to the recent rash of female politicians. I said that the male race needed someone to help them out of this powder-puff dilemma. Thusly, I listed reasons why men make better politicians; humorous stuff like guys know more about cars, we can open our own jars, we don’t lug a big bag around with us; we don’t have to shave below our necks and we can go to the bathroom all by ourselves, etc.

It was intended to be funny.

Apparently, the majority of the female race failed to see the humor.

I received one fairly lengthy response from a member of the opposite sex. In a nutshell, I was called a male chauvinist pig.

Even the mild-tempered Carolyn Mitchell will make reference to my thoughts in one of her upcoming columns here in the News-Herald.

I know there are plenty others out there in News-Herald Land who wanted to respond, but perhaps find me not worthy of their time. Maybe they were ready to do so until reading about one of their own this week.

If you haven’t heard, a female NASA astronaut was arrested and charged on Monday with attempted first degree murder after confronting and assaulting a woman in Orlando, Fla.

The victim in this case was believed to be a competitor for the affections of a male astronaut.

What made this case unlike any others regarding female jealously was the fact that the suspect, Lisa Marie Nowak, drove non-stop from Houston, Texas to Orlando in order to confront her competitor. Even funnier is the fact that Nowak wanted to get her hands on the other woman so badly that she wore adult diapers on her 900-mile, Texas-to-Florida road trip so she wouldn’t have to stop and use the bathroom.

This may be embarrassing to the female gender, but at least to one male it’s funnier than my column from Jan. 25.

In defense of the fairer sex, I did receive a couple of positive comments from that column. My good friend and fellow newspaper editor, Rebecca Bunch of the Chowan Herald over in Edenton, liked it so much that she asked permission to publish it in her paper. That either means she really, truly liked it or is involved in a feminist plot to have me silenced.

Jeanette White, another good friend and retired newspaper journalist, sent me an e-mail, saying she understood the humor I injected into the column. However, being the friend she is, Jeanette also shared her wisdom, facts I feel compelled to share with male readers of this column.

Jeanette wrote:

A man’s brain is a two lane dirt road with one old farmer’s truck moving slowly along; a woman’s is a six-lane highway with traffic in all directions.

As far as names are concerned, Jeanette said if Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other

Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as

Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

When it comes to eating out, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 when the bill arrives, even though the total is only $32.50. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Speaking of spending money, a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

In the bathroom, a man has five items – toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

When it comes to confrontation, as woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Regarding success: a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Clothing is also a huge difference between the two sexes. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Meanwhile, men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

As a result of marriage, man and woman will often become parents, but their outlook on offspring is vastly different. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

And finally, Jeanette’s “Thought for the Day. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Thanks, Jeanette, for explaining the stuff I should already know.