Someone turn-up the testosterone

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Are the feminine floodgates preparing to swing wide open?

Your guess is as good as mine.

If we can have our first-ever female representing the 5th District in the North Carolina House of Representatives, then are we in store for pink curtains and scented candles in Raleigh at the Governor’s Mansion or in the nation’s capital at the White House.

Please, someone turn-up the testosterone; we’re being over-run by female politicians.

While current NC Lt. Governor Bev Perdue has yet to announce she’s seeking to move up one notch inside state government, we all heard the big news from this past weekend n former First Lady and present-day New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is making a bid for President.

Where’s Batman or Superman when we need them? We men folk are in dire need of some caped crusader to help us out of this powder-puff dilemma.

No need to worry because it’s Super Cal to the rescue. Listed below are my reasons why men make better politicians:

When it comes to writing legislation concerning the automotive industry, we know more stuff about cars.

No matter how busy the legislative agenda is on the first day of the workweek, we can make it disappear in a hurry for two reasons n Monday Night Football and 24.

We don’t have to busy ourselves fussing over what are colleagues are wearing nor do we concern ourselves over how much weight someone has gained or lost.

In the legislative breakroom, we can open our own jars.

We don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere we go.

We can go to the bathroom without a support group.

We can leave a hotel bed unmade.

We can be showered and ready to enact important laws in 10 minutes.

We don’t have to shave below our necks.

If the power goes out in Raleigh in the dead of winter, we can step outside and write important legislation in the snow.

If we have to step on a few toes to muscle through an important bill, we don’t care about other people’s feelings.

Decision on what to wear in the morning….we don’t worry because we think three pair of shoes are more than enough.

We can whip off our shirts on a hot day.

We don’t give a rat’s behind if someone doesn’t notice our new haircut.

This one’s very important, especially in politics – one mood, all the time.

We can sit around the floor of the House or the Senate with our knees apart no matter what we are wearing.

As male politicians, we think gray hair and wrinkles add character.

In the world of lawmaking, it’s all about concentration. Lobbyists will never stare at our chest when we’re talking to them.

If we don’t call our buddies back home when we say we will, he won’t tell our friends that we’ve changed.

We can proudly walk the halls of the General Assembly because new shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle our feet.

We don’t have to kill time remembering our colleagues’ birthdays and anniversaries.

Fashion doesn’t determine worth:

Men can wear two shades of red–with any shoes.

Women must wear colors that go together, fabrics that go together, the colors have to go with their complexion, their makeup, their current hair color, their shoes, their purse, etc.

Then there’s the woman’s version of English we are faced with. We all know that when a woman says yes, she really means no. When she says I’m sorry, she means you’ll be sorry. When she says we need something, she really means she needs something. How can political business be discussed using this line of thinking?

Guys, the way I see it, we can all blame our troubles on what unfolded centuries ago in the Garden of Eden.

There, God told his very first creation, Adam, that he thought it was a good idea to make him a companion.

“She will be at your beckon call 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year,” said the Lord. “She’ll handle all the cooking, cleaning and bear and raise your children. When you come home tired from a long day’s work, she’ll be there to offer comfort and compassion.”

Adam, being a smart guy, asked God what would all this cost?

“An arm and a leg,” answered the Lord.

“What can I get for a rib,” Adam inquired.

For the answer, see the rest of history, including the current day and age.