I just would like to see 2008, maybe

Published 12:00 am Monday, January 8, 2007

As I struggled to get through a very hectic Monday, I found myself with no column and no topic at 4:59 p.m.

I asked Composition Manager Lauren Morris if she had an idea for me, and she was upset at Direct TV for making satellites that evidently can’t receive transmissions if there are trees in the way.

I gave it a quick thought and dismissed it when she said she didn’t want the people at Direct TV getting mad at her for telling me to write about them.

Oops, sorry Lauren.

If they give you any grief I’ll get them with my next column.

Next I asked staff writer Amanda VanDerBroek for a column topic.

Of course she looked at me like I had asked her for her paycheck.

I understand, Amanda.

I should learn to write my own columns.

Next on my list was Business Manager Donna Jenkins; surely she would have something for me to write about.

Donna said I should write something about New Year resolutions.

That sounded pretty good, despite the fact that I didn’t make any, until today.

I have one New Year’s resolution and that is to stay alive.

Being a black male in America, 20 years ago my biggest cause of death would’ve been either cancer or high blood pressure.

The odds of me dying of one of those diseases have decreased over the past two decades, but not necessarily because of scientific advances.

The reason that cancer and hypertension will not be the things I should fear most is because the world has found so many new ways for me to die.

Nowadays, I have to worry about drive-by shootings, AIDS, terrorists, flesh eating bacteria, trigger-happy cops, stingray stabs to the heart, anthrax and of course, me being Curly Morris and all, Elvis fans.

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago.

It’s not like I could ever stick to them anyway.

Committing to something frivolous for the entire year seems like a good idea to start with, until you realize that if it was so easy for you to stop doing something you really didn’t think you should be doing, you would’ve stopped already.

I guess a person could always make a resolution to do something different than they’ve ever done.

For example, in 2007 I promise to never write two consecutive columns about President Bush.

I am sure the Democrats will do enough to keep me writing away this year, as they appear to have surprised themselves with victories in the House and Senate.

Right now the Democrats have control, but no strategy for Iraq, exit or entry.

I could say that I will stop writing columns about race related issues, but my North Carolina Press Association award for Best Serious Column in 2006 (yeah I’m bragging) promises that as long as I have a job writing for a newspaper, I will hit you in the head with the truth, whether you want to read it or not.

I thought about going Johnny Cash and wearing all black for the entire year, but I decided that I have at least four more years before I can officially be declared insane (and get a check for it) so I’d better keep dressing normal, for now.

I predicted that coach Roy Williams and his North Carolina Tar Heels would finish the ACC season undefeated.

I even searched online for betting odds.

Then the feds passed a law prohibiting online gambling.

So I guess a safe resolution would be that I do not plan to do any online gambling this year.

I heard Donna say that she could be an axe murderer, and I have no idea what she was talking about.

Nevertheless, I resolve to be nice to axe murderers for the remainder of 2007.

The more I think about it, if I can get through 2007 alive and employed I really should be happy, because I’m sure next year there will be at least five new ways to die.

Which begs the question, if life continues to become death’s version of dodge ball, what am I sticking around for?

Which brings me to the only resolution that I know I can stick to no matter what happens, be Curly, for better or worse.