Friday the 13th April 2029; time’s up

Published 12:00 am Saturday, November 18, 2006

According to some scientists, we humans have about 22 years and five months to accomplish whatever our feeble minds can manage to achieve.

After that, a 25 million ton, 82 foot wide asteroid called 99942 Apophis will be just easing by the moon en route to our dear beloved planet at a rate of 28,000 mph.

The asteroid hitting the planet is supposed to pack the energy of 65,000 atomic bombs.

The end result could be the decimation of hundreds of millions of lives and a shift in our global climate and atmosphere.

That is what some scientists say, although most believe the asteroid will miss us by about 20,000 miles.

More accurately, scientists are 99.7 percent certain that the asteroid will not strike our planet.

But that’s not 100 percent.

99.7 percent is not absolute certainty, and for that matter if the scientists said they were 100 percent certain the rock wouldn’t hit us it still wouldn’t matter because it’s not like they couldn’t be wrong.

Think of the laughter Christopher Columbus received when he decided to sail around a flat planet.

So let’s peek into the future and take a look at the timeline leading up to the end of the world.

President Curly Morris, winner of the 2028 U.S. Presidential election campaigned on the &uot;ignore platform&uot; and has put all of his political credibility on the fact that asteroid will touch down in Paris and therefore not be a huge concern to Americans.

Many French Americans protested during Morris’ campaign and upon winning the election Morris had them all returned to France, on canoes.

While Morris was signing the historical &uot;Pooh-Pooh Paris’ bill, he also signed legislation to return Arnold Shwarzenegger to Austria, David Hasslehoff to Australia and Hillary Clinton back to Arkansas.

In January 2029, Morris was arrested and detained for 72 hours for flying a spaceship while space license revoked in Middle Carolina.

It wasn’t until Morris had awoken from a drunken stupor, which he achieved at his inauguration party, did he realize that he was being held prisoner.

&uot;I thought I was still at the party,&uot; Morris said afterward. &uot;I recognized so many of my friends there.&uot;

When the Governor of Middle Carolina realized he was holding the President of the United States in his jail cell, he immediately called Vice President Marlon Cheney, former Vice President Dick Cheney’s illegitimate love child from a D.C. stripper named Laqueesha Shacrazy Dominique Gilliam.

Cheney promptly had the Governor shot in the face.

When asked about the Vice President’s reaction to his arrest and detainment, Morris was his usual calm self.

&uot;Hey,&uot; Morris said. &uot;The Vice President did what was in the best interest of the American Morris’. He had my back homey, word!&uot;

During the month of February, ‘White History Month’, Morris attended a rally sponsored by civil rights activist Tucker Carlson.

At the rally, where those in attendance booed Morris loudly, Carlson accused Morris of race baiting and being insensitive to the needs of talk show hosts.

Morris called Cheney on his cell watch and detailed the events of the rally.

Cheney promptly had everyone who attended the rally shot in the face.

In March 2029 President Morris signed legislation making marijuana legal.

In an unprecedented show of religious unity, representatives from the world’s five major religions, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Judaism and Oprahnism all held a rally to have Morris impeached.

Morris invited the five religious leaders to a conference at the Starbucks White House.

After the conference, the four religious leaders emerged with bags of brownies and a much more conciliatory tone.

Orpahnism representative Mr. T spoke to reporters who had gathered outside of the Starbucks White House.

&uot;I pity the fool who wants to impeach President Morris,&uot; T said. &uot;I also pity the fool who don’t get me some more brownies.&uot;

Two weeks before the asteroid was scheduled to land in Paris, three spaceships carrying aliens who all looked like Jeff Foxworthy touched down on the lawn of the Starbucks White House, where Morris made them wait until he and Secretary of Defense Johnnie Rascoe finished their game of Madden ’28 (Morris’s New York Jets crushed Rascoe’s Dallas Cowboys 999 – 3 by the way).

After meeting with the Foxworthy alien group, Morris announced to the world that it was not an asteroid that was headed to France, but actually a ball of alien pooh that had fallen from a space barge four light years away.

The Foxworthy aliens said they had no way of stopping the alien pooh from striking the planet, but they would offer a cold fusion perpetual energy source to our planet that would eliminate any and all pollution and energy crisis the planet Earth might ever be faced with.

Rascoe took the energy source to NASA for further testing and Morris held a press conference with the leader of the Foxworthy aliens.

Afterward, Cheney had all the Foxworthy aliens shot in the face.

The day of the pooh landing, the entire world watched in horror/pleasure as the huge ball of pooh landed on France.

Morris had arranged evacuation for all Americans, and French strippers, weeks before &uot;pooh-day&uot;.

Televisions worldwide showed the horrible/pleasurable sights of mimes and berets covered in pooh as French chefs scrambled to create dishes symbolic of the atrocity/holiday.

Meanwhile America was eating brownies, chilling, with President Curly.

Peace ya’ll, holla back!