Can Survivor survive itself?

Published 12:00 am Saturday, September 9, 2006

I don’t watch reality television.

I will admit I did watch quite a bit of the inaugural season of The Apprentice.

I’m a Donald Trump fan so that’s my excuse for that brief moment of insanity.

As much as I like &uot;The Don&uot;, even I couldn’t stand two seasons of his show, as the second effort was too ‘made for T.V.’ for me.

I have never, ever, watched a single episode of Survivor, but after last week’s announcement that the teams would divided by race for next season, I’m tempted to tune in.

When I say the show is going to be divided by ‘race’, I don’t mean as in running as fast as you can, I mean by ‘race’ as in ethnicity.

When I first heard that there would be four teams on next season’s show, a black team, a white team and teams of both Hispanics and Asians, my first reaction was disgust.

I couldn’t believe that the show would stoop so low as to stir up all the racial tensions that civilized people are trying so hard to alleviate.

It dawned on me however that this might be the greatest television idea since Law and Order split up into 15 shows.

I mean, why should the show’s producers stop at ethnic teams.

Do you know how many good television wars bitter enemies and public villains could wage?

Think of the possibilities; we could have cops vs. robbers, Wal-Mart vs. K-mart, Martha Stewart vs. Little Kim, Rush Limbaugh vs. Painkillers, O.J. Simpson vs. The Real Killers, roadrunners vs. coyotes; the sky’s the limit!

I don’t really care who wins next season’s Survivor, I’m more concerned with which team loses.

I personally think that the producers will have the Asian team lose, simply because they’re the least likely to start a riot.

The white team will have to make the final pairing if for no other reason than to keep white viewers interested in the show.

Plus, if America wants to watch a bunch of blacks and Hispanics running loose on an island they can go to Manhattan.

So the real question is, who will finish in second place?

My vote goes to the whites.

(Do you have any idea how silly that sounds? The whites.)

Nevertheless, white America is accustomed to blacks being angry with them, that’s why they created mandatory sentencing.

The Hispanic population has become the biggest minority group in America, so the producers might want to let them win the whole thing.

Blacks and Asians won’t be nearly as mad at the Hispanics winning and rich white people don’t want their pools left dirty or their children mistakenly left at the daycare.

Nobody wants several million Hispanic Americans angry because you can’t win an argument with someone who can curse you out in two languages.

You can’t have a ‘rappers vs. rockers’ show because all the rappers will have killed each other off before they arrive.

Kobe Bryant vs. Shaquille O’Neal might be a good one, but only if you throw Phil Jackson and Pat Riley on the island with them.

I could hear the conversation between Riley and Shaq now;

Riley – &uot;Are you going to trade some wood for fire with Kobe?&uot;

Shaq- &uot;Who?&uot;

Riley – &uot;Kobe, Kobe Bryant.

Shaq – &uot;I don’t know who that is.&uot;

Riley – &uot;He’s the guy standing right next to you! Come on Shaq there are only four of us on this island!&uot;

Shaq – &uot;What Island? Kazaam!&uot;

On second thought, that might make for a long season.

How about Republicans vs. Democrats?

The Republicans could immediately pass legislation making all election results subject to a Supreme Court hearing, and the Democrats would hand out free coconuts (sympathetically of course) to anyone deciding to sit down and do nothing.

The more I think about it that show is already on CNN along with Jews vs. Muslims.

Ooh, ooh, I have a good one!

How about Condaleeza Rice vs. Hillary Clinton?

You could pair up Angelina Jolie with Rice, and Oprah Winfrey with Clinton.

The four of them could start a book club for African orphans while searching for weapons of mass destruction in White Water, Arkansas.

Doesn’t sound too interesting huh?

On second thought maybe I won’t be bothered to watch.

This world is already in natural Survivor mode, with terrorist threat levels going from light beige to orange every two weeks, a bird flu pandemic lurking around every other corner, and Girls Gone Wild videos taking over late night television.

Tack on the fact that the local Post Office insists on having one employee work the counter during lunch hour and you can see there’s no need to watch the idiot box to find your own version of Survivor.

After the ‘race’ season they should go with blondes vs. brunettes, no I have better idea, thongs vs. bloomers, now I’ll tune in to that.

At least for one episode.