Buying Ben Gay by the keg

Published 12:00 am Thursday, July 6, 2006

Other than a few much-needed shirts from my two girls at home and cake here at the office, my 53rd birthday recently passed without much hoopla.

My sister attempted to rile my feathers with a card making fun of my age (even though she is older) and a former co-worker (I refuse to mention her name, but her initials are Phyllis Frymier) sent a singing (yes, singing) balloon to the office. Other than that, it was pretty much an uneventful day.

I have noticed that the older I get, the more I hurt in places that I didn’t even know existed. I use to love to go outdoors and work in the yard. Now, just cranking-up the weedeater tires me out and I ache so much after whacking the weeds in the yard that I purchase Ben Gay by the keg rather than a tube.

But all my bones are still there. I can verify that fact by the creaking sound they make every morning when I drag my tired butt out of bed.

Some will say that age is only a state of mind. I guess that’s right. I’m trying to convince my mind that I’m 25 years younger, but my body isn’t buying in to that notion.

Other than being about 30 pounds overweight, smoke too much and drink way too much caffeine, I’m the perfect picture of health. The only reason I am a picture of health is tied to the fact that I do not look at myself in a mirror. I simply close my eyes and visualize a high school kid in size 26 blue jeans; a tee-shirt that doesn’t stop at my naval and a head full of thick, jet black hair. Reality sets in when I open my eyes and peer towards the floor – ye gads, where are my feet???

But with age comes wisdom, even though I can’t remember it all. With that said, here are a few things I’ve learned in 53 years on God’s green Earth:

There’s more room out than in.

We don’t need Nike to tell us to, &uot;Just Do It.&uot; If something needs to be done, then just do it.

There’s nothing better than the love of a loyal dog. Dogs don’t get mad when you look at another dog.

When a woman says no, she means no. When a woman says yes, she means no.

Never forget the previous pair of facts.

The secret to success is as follows: At age 4, not peeing in your pants; at age 12, having friends; at age 16, having a driver’s license; at age 20, having sex; at age 35, having money; at age 50, having even more money; at age 60, having sex; at age 70, having a driver’s license; at age 75, having friends; and at age 90, success is not peeing in your pants.

Here’s what I’ve learned about computers: State-of-the-art means a computer I can’t afford; obsolete means the computer I own; a keyboard is a device used to create computer errors; and a mouse is an advanced device used to make errors easier to generate.

Never express an opinion, nobody wants to hear it anyway.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Football is life.

If mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.

To women – you can either ask a man to do something or tell us how you want it done. Please, pick just one; you can’t have both.

Here’s what I’ve learned about food during my time on Earth: if it looks and smells good, taste it; if it tastes good, eat it.

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, please, do not open it. This group operates a scam, claiming you owe them money. They claim to use that money to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them!

Men do not need to stop and ask for directions when traveling. We always look to our hero – Columbus. He didn’t know where he was heading and things turned out pretty good for him, now didn’t they?

The world’s all-time greatest political structures can be explained using two cows. Socialism is where you have two cows; you keep one and give one to your neighbor. Communism can be explained by having two cows; the government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism – you have two cows; the government takes them both and sells you the milk. Bureaucracy is where you have two cows; the government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk and then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: you have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull. Democracy is explained by you having two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

The world of business can also be linked to the two-cow theory. You have two cows; in order to cut costs, you get rid of one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and the boss will then act surprised when it drops dead.

If you’re late for an important meeting, chances are good that you will (A) fall in behind a &uot;granny&uot; driver, going at a breakneck speed of 30 mph and with her left turn signal on (for endless miles); (B) meet a farm tractor with a &uot;zillion row&uot; planter; (C) if there are five stoplights along your route, each will turn red just as you approach; or (D) once in the open road and with the pedal to the metal, you will meet a Highway Patrolman.

More thoughts on driving – when meeting another vehicle on a two-lane road, you are less than five feet away from certain death.

I would share more on my observations of life, but I’m tired and in need of a nap. Wake me up in time to write next week’s column.