I try not to use my column space as a way to pass on funny e-mails but this one struck my funny bone good today.

The week is still early so I thought you might need a good chortle as well.

Here are honest answers you DON’T want to put on a job application.

NAME:

John Doe

DESIRED POSITION:

Reclining.

Ha Ha.

But seriously, whatever’s available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.

If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:

Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be &uot;Do you have a car that runs?&uot;

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?

Living in Maui with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:

Scorpio with Libra rising.

I’d like to hear from you. If you agree or disagree with my opinion on something, have an idea for a column topic or just want to let me know someone is reading this every once in awhile please e-mail me. My address is david.friedman@r-cnews.com. See ya next Tuesday!