• 34°

Just waiting for the waffle tree to grow

When the clock strikes midnight on Saturday, 2005 will be history as we welcome in a new year.

As is customary, the majority of us will have scribbled down a few resolutions prior to midnight on Saturday. We will once again make ourselves a pledge to keep true to that list during 2006. However, as it is for the majority of us, most all those pledges will be broken before the Super Bowl.

It’s for that reason that I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions. Why make promises that you can’t keep? Rather, I’ve devised an ingenious list of resolutions that are unbreakable. They are as follows:

For 2006, I promise to always wear clean underwear….just in case.

On all the new gadgets and gizmos that my wife, daughter and I received for Christmas, I promise to read the instruction manuals on each…….that is just as soon as I can find them!

I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

Keeping with tradition, I promise to keep a safe distance between my vehicle and the police car in front of me.

I vow not to watch a single second of Oprah.

To avoid an embarrassing moment, I promise to &uot;check for paper&uot; before leaving the bathroom.

With our educational system crumbling faster than a Hollywood marriage, I pledge my efforts to find a cure for stupidity. We desperately need to find a find a way to fix this before it becomes a problem too large to solve. Maybe we can herd all stupid people into a spacecraft and zip them to a planet that has no signs of intelligent life, or simply bus them to Chapel Hill. They will feel right at home in either location.

I pledge, vow and promise NOT to win the Mega Millions lottery. Either that or start buying my tickets at a luckier store.

I will always make sure to replace the gas nozzle in the pump before driving away from a gas station.

Doing my part to help the world, I will attempt to inform all human beings that the consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Again, in an effort to inform the public, I will take it upon myself to lead a national campaign to make it illegal for anyone over the age of 40 to own or wear a thong. Nothing says ugly more than a tiny piece of material disappearing between an aging pair of buttcheeks. Just the thought of that sight is more than enough to make a person lose their appetite, perhaps even the lunch they just consumed.

While on the subject of an aging pair of buttcheeks, I vow to make mine larger. During 2006, I plan to gain weight – at least 30 pounds this year. Half of that goal can be reached while grazing on all the high calorie snacks at a Super Bowl party.

I promise to not exercise. It’s a waste of time anyway.

I resolve to watch more television. Sometimes during 2006, I plan to pull the glass out of my TV screen and crawl right into the middle of a &uot;Baywatch&uot; episode.

In 2006, I vow to get myself further into debt.

As a part of my unbreakable resolutions, I pledge not to believe politicians and break at least one traffic law.

I promise to procrastinate more, starting tomorrow.

I will not jump off a bridge just because someone else did.

If I witness a UFO flying overhead, I promise not to tell anyone what I saw.

I will not spend my money on a 1983 Eldorado with tinted windows, white fur on the dash and large dice hanging from the rear view mirror.

I promise to balance my checkbook….on my nose.

I vow not to bring back disco.

I will try to come up with another password for my computer other than password.

At work, I promise to answer my e-mails with the same vigor in which I answer my snail-mail.

I pledge not to discipline the dog when he plays tug-of-war with my underwear while I’m on the toilet.

I’ll try this one again during 2006, but it never seems to work. I vow not to drink before 5 p.m. But remember, it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere!

I will make an attempt to lobby the food industry to devise other snacks besides cheese that are available in whiz form.

To satisfy my hunger pains, I vow to bury a box of Eggos in my backyard and wait for a waffle tree to grow.

Here’s hoping that your New Year’s resolutions all come true. See ‘ya next year.