A few strange resolutions

Published 12:00 am Thursday, December 29, 2005

How do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions? Do you still make them?

Many years ago almost everyone did and I felt compelled to join them in making outrageous resolutions that made you feel good about your high intentions. During the New Year I found that I either forgot everything thing I resolved or felt bad about my lax character for not fulfilling them. So I decided for my own good to stop the craziness.

There are however some resolutions that most of us can keep. So if you need help with yours, here are a few suggestions:

I will stop exercising.

I will procrastinate more.

I will spend more time at work.

I will eat ice cream at midnight – every midnight of the year, I mean, not just this one.

I will start worrying more.

This year I’m going to stop being so nice

I will always respond no when asked, &uot;Does this make me look big?&uot;

I will stop promising to get organized and just let everything lay where it is.

I will not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than &uot;I told you so!&uot;

Before I criticize a man, I’ll walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

I will try to get in a whole new rut.

I will create loose ends.

I will get further in debt.

I will not believe politicians. Honestly, they’re worse than an attack of the flu.

I will not lay out my clothes the night before.

My oven will often be congealed with pie drippings.

I will not drag myself to a gym to be terminally embarrassed by mirrors showing me looking like a badly trussed loin of pork.

As for my bed, it shall remain UNMADE because I like aired sheets and, despite what my friends say, I don’t believe that a House Beautiful camera team will sneak up there when I’m not


As for being cheerful, I will follow the advice of W.C. Fields: &uot;Start off every day with a smile, and get it over with.&uot;

I will not swim with piranhas or sharks.

I will spread out my priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

I will wait around for opportunity to find me.

I will focus on the faults of others.

I will mope about my own faults.

I will not jump off a cliff because everyone else did

I will not wrestle Jesse Ventura.

I will never again smack a man that’s been chewing tobacco.

May you have a wonderful New Year and as my Irish ancestors would say: May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face.

And rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.