Never show a photo of your sweetheart

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, November 29, 2005

As frequent readers of my sports column already know, I am quite a movie buff.

My family was in the video rental business for years (anyone remember Fast Track Videos in Ahoskie) and I have watched more than my share.

What most people don’t know is that I am not a fan of movies just because they are entertaining. I have also found them to be very educational.

Here are a few things that can only be learned from watching movies.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of french bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

During the play of any sport, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.

Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, he or she will run upstairs rather than down.

In any movie where &uot;something&uot; has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to &uot;go for help&uot;. The most expendable member of the group is left to &uot;keep an eye on it&uot;, and supplied with a weapon or signaling device in case something happens&uot;. Said member ALWAYS responds: &uot;What could happen?&uot; This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within two minutes.

The walls of a teenager’s bedroom are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool. A movie teenager will always have a drainpipe situated next to his or her window. This drainpipe will be specially reinforced to hold their weight on escape.

I’d like to hear from you. If you agree or disagree with my opinion on something, have an idea for a column topic or just want to let me know someone is reading this every once in awhile please e-mail me. My address is See ya next week!