We installed a cat

Published 12:00 am Friday, July 22, 2005

I normally wouldn’t do this but I was sorting through some old e-mails the other day and ran across one that was too good to not share.

If you enjoy wit and sarcasm and find yourself in need of a good chortle then read on….

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a &uot;gripe sheet&uot; which details to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that may need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot then reviews the &uot;gripe sheets&uot; before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

SOLUTION: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

PROBLEM: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

SOLUTION: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit.

SOLUTION: Something tightened in cockpit.

PROBLEM: Dead bugs on windshield.

SOLUTION: Live bugs on back-order.

PROBLEM: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

SOLUTION: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

PROBLEM: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

SOLUTION: Evidence removed.

PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud.

SOLUTION: DME volume set to more believable level.

PROBLEM: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

SOLUTION: That’s what they’re there for.

PROBLEM: IFF inoperative.

SOLUTION: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

PROBLEM: Suspected crack in windshield.

SOLUTION: Suspect you’re right.

PROBLEM: Number 3 engine missing.

SOLUTION: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny.

SOLUTION: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

PROBLEM: Target radar hums.

SOLUTION: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

PROBLEM: Mouse in cockpit.

SOLUTION: Cat installed.

PROBLEM: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.

SOLUTION: Took hammer away from midget.

I hope you found these as hilarious as I did, either way I’d like to hear from you. If you agree or disagree with my opinion on something, have an idea for a column topic or just want to let me know someone out there is reading this then please e-mail me. My address is david.friedman@r-cnews.com. See ya in the sports section next week!