Wishing wrinkles were in style

Published 12:00 am Saturday, July 16, 2005

For the past two days, I struggled as I tried to decide what to write my column about.

I was bombarded with thoughts that ranged from Harry Potter to Karl Rove. While the thought of writing about a sniveling side-quick doing the dirty work for his evil master was tempting, I decided this Rove leak was starting to bore me.

I even wrote a column in frustration after reading about a tragic accident, but decided it was too depressing.

That’s when I remembered reading about a book released earlier this week.

The book, 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America, was written by Bernard Goldberg, a former correspondent for the CBS news program &uot;48 Hours&uot;.

I haven’t had the opportunity to read the book yet and after learning Barbara Streisand was on the list, I doubt I will.

Watching Goldberg try to defend the ridiculous assertion that a singer and marginal actress possesses the power to &uot;screw up&uot; America, I started thinking about the 100 or so people causing problems in my life.

I actually think my life is pretty good, but there are definitely some people messing with it.

The list is long and somewhat complicated, so I’ll just list a few people and in no particular order.

The person requiring me to buy car insurance.

Every time it seems I am starting to get ahead financially, I receive a grotesquely large and unfair bill from an insurance company, putting me right back in the hole. My driving skills border on perfection and insurance should only apply to drivers lacking my unique gift.

The three women serving cold beverages at an establishment I ventured into last Saturday night (not local) also appear on my list.

When I tried to pay my bill these women either didn’t notice me or ignored me for what seemed like an eternity.

I was furious. My ego was so bruised by their indifference I left a bigger tip than normal. That’ll show’em.

The man or woman who invented the clothes iron appears on my list.

I have several shirts in my closet that I want to wear, but unfortunately they are wrinkled.

Every morning I tell myself that I am going to iron the shirts, just not now. However, when I get home, my motivation has disappeared and those poor shirts are neglected for yet another day.

If the iron had never been invented, wrinkled clothes would be accepted, maybe even admired.

Jon Stewart, the host of Comedy Central’s &uot;The Daily Show&uot; is next on the list.

I actually love the show, but it comes on at 11pm and 11:30 p.m. Every night I promise myself I am going to bed early, but Stewart is hilarious and I end up staying awake to watch him instead of going to bed at a decent hour.

The 1.2 billion people living in China.

Their selfish desire to join the industrialized world is driving the costs of oil to record highs and killing me at the gas pump.

Finally, J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.

Her net worth, rumored to have surpassed the billion-dollar mark, will only grow following the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Not too long ago, I had the idea of writing a wildly successful series of children’s books (also read by many adults) about a young wizard with untapped potential.

Although Rowling and I have never crossed paths, I feel certain her knowledge of witchcraft allowed her to abstract the idea from my head and use it for her own financial gain.

If you have a list of people you think are screwing up America or enjoy ironing shirts for free, feel free to let me know.