Uncle Sam ‘rains’ supreme

Published 12:00 am Thursday, June 9, 2005

Knowing the way our government operates, complete with its always overbearing way of loading everything down with plenty of red tape, the following story could actually take place.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, &uot;Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.&uot;

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, &uot;You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights&uot;.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no ark.

&uot;Noah&uot;, God roared, &uot;I’m about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?&uot;

&uot;Forgive me, Lord,&uot; begged Noah. &uot;But things have changed.&uot;

Noah then rattled off the many reasons why the ark construction was way behind schedule.

&uot;I needed a building permit,&uot; Noah said.

&uot;I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system and my neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.&uot;

Noah’s construction nightmares continued.

&uot;We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision,&uot; he explained to the big man upstairs. &uot;Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions in order to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.

I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.&uot;

While these would prove as major problems, Noah was just getting started in offering an explanation.

&uot;Getting the wood was another problem&uot; Noah said. &uot;There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but that plea fell on deaf ears.&uot;

Speaking of saving the animals, Noah also ran into a major problem in that regard as well.

&uot;When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group,&uot; he explained. &uot;They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

As well, they argued the accommodations onboard the Ark were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.&uot;

He continued, &uot;Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood, mapping out the areas prone for flooding.&uot;

Not only were the animals a problem, but so was the construction help.

&uot;I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew,&uot; Noah said. &uot;Also, the trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.&uot;

Then, the worst thing that could happen unfolded right before Noah’s eyes as the IRS seized all his assets, claiming he was trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

&uot;So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark,&uot; Noah noted.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, &uot;You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?&uot;

&uot;No,&uot; said the Lord. &uot;The government beat me to it.&uot;