Signs of aging

Published 12:00 am Thursday, May 26, 2005

With my best regards to my buddy, Cleve Bowen of Woodland, who forwarded these Signs of Aging.

I don’t know about you, but most of these apply to yours truly.

Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

You’re getting older when…

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.

When an attractive woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

When your wife says, &uot;Let’s go upstairs and make love&uot; and you answer, &uot;Honey, I can’t do both!&uot;

When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Happy hour is a nap.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where you parked the car.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing &uot;Kumbaya.&uot;

Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into &uot;dueling ailments.&uot;

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

You begin every other sentence with, &uot;Nowadays…&uot;

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, &uot;Did I wake you?&uot;

You have a dream about prunes.

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about &uot;good grass&uot; and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You got cable just for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

&uot;Getting a little action&uot; means you don’t need to take a laxative.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.