Kittens in the oven, they ain’t biscuits

Published 12:00 am Saturday, April 16, 2005

The United States of America isn’t called the &uot;melting pot&uot; of the world for nothing.

For centuries, various nationalities have sought refuge here in our great nation from religious, social and political persecution on their native soil.

We, being the kind and gentle spirits, have welcomed these strangers with open arms.

But what about our own….true Americans whose ancestry dates back to the founding of this great nation? We are truly a territorial bunch, holding close to our hearts the pride and tradition of the area we call home.

Yes, we are diverse and to verify that fact, one has to look no further than the differences between those born north or south of the Mason-Dixon Line. A friend passed along these Yankee/Southerner facts. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did:

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy; the South has Jesse Helms.

The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters; the South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

We Southerners are famous for our hospitality. With that in mind, we offer our Northern friends moving south the following advice:

In the South, if you run your car into a ditch, there’s no need to panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck, complete with a easy-rider rifle rack in the cab and a dog box in the bed, will be along shortly with a tow chain, or as we call it down here – a snatch rope. Don’t try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Warning: do not attempt to buy food at this store.

Remember, &uot;y’all&uot; is singular, &uot;all y’all&uot; is plural, and &uot;all y’all’s&uot; is plural possessive.

Get used to Southerners saying, &uot;You ain’t from ’round here, are ya?&uot;

Be sure to save all manner of

bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don’t worry (or fret as we like to say) about understanding what Southerners are saying. We can’t understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective

&uot;big’ol&uot; truck or &uot;big’ol&uot; boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

A traffic jam in the South consists of three riding mowers, one moped and a ’71 Camaro.

Be advised that ‘He needed killin’&uot; is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, &uot;Hey, y’all, watch this,&uot; you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he or she will ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns. They are proficient marksmen and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

One final, and very important, thing to remember – If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ’em biscuits!

By following this advice, you may, ‘fore you know it, gain an opportunity to have your life turned into a country music song.